Unless you live under a rock or studying abroad in Libya, you have seen the mesmerizing photo that was aimed to “Break the Internet”. The photo I’m referring to is the publicity photograph that spotlights the nude backside of Kim Kardashian.
The photo may not have completely broke the internet so I believe a more definitive title for the photo would be, “Break the Standards of Young Men.”
I mean come on, why you got to play the world like that, Kim? I can't say I'm mad, heck, the photograph is currently my iPhone background. Though I am a bit disappointed that I may have already seen the best bottom a girl could possess so early in my life. I now know how Eve felt after she bit into the forbidden fruit.
Just as my enjoyment was coming to a halt since every CVS in the area happened to run out of Kleenex boxes, Kanye West picked me right back up. If you haven't already seen this, the rapper who is privileged to be married to Kim, tweeted this:
Kanye is the man. He not only holds the title for, “Most Talented Hip-Hop Producer/Rapper of our Generation,” but also, “Most Dope Celebrity.” The dude does dope things and makes sure everyone knows it, which is pretty dope.
If you’re like me, then you’re probably wondering, “Where do I steer my useless life towards now that I’ve seen the caboose of an angel?” I’ll tell you.
Time heals all wounds. Whether Kim likes it or not, there will be a day when her rump will look like a half deflated balloon. To shed light on this, and to get your standards back to a reasonable level, you’re going to need to contact your grandmother.
Your grandma will be the main ingredient in this re-birthing process. Once you text her, and explain that you’re her grandchild and not a DirecTV worker, you’re going to have to teach her how to take a, “belfie.”
What’s a “belfie,” you ask? The term is defined as a photo that highlights the user’s nude caboose.
Teaching an elderly woman how to do anything is hard, but when she hears that this will make her famous, and possibly win her a one-on-one date with Jimmy Carter, then congrats, you just proved to the world that you can teach an old dog new tricks.
Once you obtain the belfie, begin posting to any site you can imagine. And when I say any site, I don’t mean only the usual like Reddit or Buzzfeed, but really expand your marketing to sites like, Club Penguin or even PETA. Actually, don’t post to PETA because I’m sure they’ll mistake the elderly belfie as a beaten, malnourished pig.
Congratulations, you’ve now officially broke the internet. Maybe not in the way Kim did, but hey, as the old saying goes, “if it ain’t broke, break it again.”
