Over break, time is always kind of a funny thing. First you’re trying to pass it and then you’re wishing you made more of it. This break, every day I would wake up and wonder what I was going to do to fill my time. Watch a show, read a book, see a friend, eat too many snacks and then repeat. After I saw all of the friends that I still keep up with, watched all the TV shows I had my parents record while I was gone, went to all of my favorite restaurants and hung out with my family, I still had weeks to fill. I measured my time in episodes and countdowns to when my parents would get off work so I could have a car and someone would cook dinner. For three weeks, time seemed limitless.

And then suddenly, I was out of it. The night before I left, I sat staring at all the clothes I hadn’t packed yet and began panicking about time. How had I spent my last three weeks? I saw six movies, which seemed like an accomplishment. I drank a lot of coffee, which was at the very least, enjoyable. I spent time with my family, which was much needed. But was it enough?

As I hugged my dad goodbye, I wondered, should I have spent more time with him and less time binge watching "30 Rock" and trying to see every movie in the theaters while I’m still paying suburb prices? Yes, I probably should have.

But why was this just now occurring to me? Why didn’t I consider this two weeks ago when I was actively trying to pass the time?

I knew my dad would laugh at me if he knew about this internal panic so I tried to fight the guilt that he would tell me not to feel. He would say to forget it and he wouldn’t think of it again. I always admired my dad’s ability to let go and move on.

I didn’t inherit that, so I had to turn my guilt into some kind of lesson.

Here is the best I could do:

I think it’s okay to let time pass sometimes, to read all afternoon or watch four episodes in a row. After a long semester, a break is needed. But I think it’s important to remember the break will end and so will this semester, and faster than I am ready to admit, college will end to, so I should be intentional with my time. I should try to remember, even in the moments when I am trying so hard to pass the time, that someday I will be wishing I had more of it.