I guess I could sit here and tell you what I must have done wrong to lose you. I could tell you all the things I could have done differently only our outcome would still be the same. You’d still be the boy with the adorable laugh and the quiet eyes and I’d be the loud girl who couldn’t go two seconds without smiling at you. To your friends I was just annoying, probably even controlling. To my friends you were weird and too quiet.
What they really don’t know is you were loud, you laughed and had really funny jokes; you even at times couldn’t shut up. I never minded it though. Everyone thought I was so wrong for you, so completely the opposite. I’ll consider them right, seeing as how I no longer get to see your smile or sit passenger as we drive off to wherever.
I’ll admit, what I did wasn’t great it was actually terrible. I just wish people knew it wasn’t just me. You gave me butterflies, warmth, and safety. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry, you spent so much time with me. You made me feel wanted, until you didn’t. Until I wasn’t good enough, until I got boring, or too big for you. You made me cry on those drives. Although you were there for me right? You made me doubt myself, but you just got bored…right?
I realized I lost you when you’d stop smiling, laughing or even trying to look at me. We’d lost our spark and you knew it too. We fought, and took break after break. People can only take so much. It still never excused what I ended up doing. You gave me so much while giving me nothing to work with. You were stubborn and too easily annoyed. Still, you made me smile but you hated my best friend. Still, you spent time with me, but only doing what you wanted to. Still, you told me you loved me, but there was no love behind it. I lost you not because of what I did that night, but because two people grow so far apart while remaining together that the seams start ripping, and the stuffing pours out and all thats left is a mess. Our mess.
You’ll forever be the boy I ran into on the steps, saw in the library, held hands with in the rain, summer drives, trail walks, and late night talks. You’ll also be the first boy to make me cry, doubt myself, and run away from. Our story is bumpy but I know this is the last time I have to drive down our road before it’s fixed.
