This, my dear friends, is a follow up to my Instagram stalking article. This article concerns what happens after we finally get that follow request from the boys in our lives. I was thinking about the types of dudes on the 'gram and this is the list of what you DON'T want to see from your new potential husband. We've all seen these guys at one point and maybe if they read this and fit into one of the categories, then they'll stop! A girl can dream!
1. The self-proclaimed gym god
I'm not saying I don't love shirtless guys. But something about shirtless guys in this specific way doesn't do it for me. It's cringey and no one wants to see the weird face you make when you lift, bro. Following this person means you could draw the whole architectural plan of the gym locker room since they take so many mirror selfies there. And no, Jay, I don't want your protein powder discount code!
2. The Guy who is trying to make a foodstagram
I love food, but not like this. Some guys think that they're the best chef and put a piece of actual TOAST on their Instagram story. No. Only do this if you're legit. By legit I mean you've made something more complex than putting a piece of bread in an electrical appliance. Unless you've dabbled in gazpacho or something else cool, I don't want to see it.
3. The Guy who posts a suspicious amount of pictures with kids
At first you think cute baby, yay! Then you think: wait… is it his?! If I'm interested, does that make me a potential step-mom candidate? I'm good with kids but not good enough to start going to parent-teacher conferences at 20 years old. It's just one kid who's his "life". Yep, I think he fathered that one.
4. The hipster scenery guy
No pictures of himself. Just scenery, leaves and the occasional latte (with milk that doesn't come from a cow, obviously). And that latte is of course NOT from a Starbucks, but rather from a fair trade small town coffee shop. He's actually on a tour of every family owned coffee shop in America right now! He also likes matcha. Even his toothbrush is organic. His name is probably Neil.
5. The Guy who hasn't posted since like, 6th grade
I'm curious, have your braces come off since this picture at a middle school dance? Why wouldn't you want to let the world know that that happened? Why do you even have an Instagram? There might be an ALS ice bucket video on there though which is pure gold.
6. The Guy who is a selfie try hard
Nothing could make me less attracted to you. Yes, your jawline is poppin but I don't want to think about you prancing around your room looking for that good lighting. This isn't "America's Next Top Model", Brendan.
7. The Guy who wants you to know he's tried alcohol
If he studied abroad, he's holding a beer stein in Germany. Many of his pictures are blurry. Sometimes he's just wielding a handle of Aristosh*t (as I like to call it) and maybe wearing a backwards visor. It's as if he has a personal stagehand to constantly hand him drinking props. Is he at all worried that future employers will see this? Probably not since his daddy will just get him a job in ~finance~. Yay! You seem like someone I'd love to take advice from and trust with managing my life savings (everything about this is absolutely terrifying).
8. The Bartender/DJ/Club Promoter Guy
You were flirting with the bouncer and one of these guys came over. You became obsessed with him and followed him on insta. Now your feed is respectively flooded with promotional photos of: set up of the bar, time of DJ sets, and what club to go to tonight. Welcome to sleazetown.
9. The Guy who practically owns stock in the concept of “Woman Crush Wednesday"
"Thank you for all that you do for me babe" *heart eyes emoji. This is especially disturbing if you previously thought this guy was single ~nonchalantly unfollows~. Also, can anyone clarify what "all that you do for me means?". Are we talking about laundry? Sexual things? Dishes? Opening credit cards in your name for the other person to use? (cause if so, I'd be interested in someone doing that for me). Just spitballing here, guys. Also, you don't need to make a post for your two month anniversary. Let's see you at least make it to six months. And why are you posting snapchats she sends you???That's SO strange. Those weren't meant for the public. And is she ~really~ THE BEST girlfriend ever? Cause I haven't had a chance but I'm pretty sure that's my title! I'm alone and bitter, bye. #sorrynotsorry
10. The Guy who considers himself the captain of all sports fans everywhere
He posts trash talking memes about the teams he hates. Maybe hide his posts for the fall or else you'll be hearing from him on Friday night (regarding how his high school football team did), Saturday (proclaiming that it's for the boys and posting about college football), Sunday (for NFL) and Monday (AGAIN for NFL). He dreams of being Gisele Bündchen, not cause he wishes he had a thigh gap, but because he has an actual crush on Tom Brady.
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"I thought you knew what you signed up for."
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"Shocked disbelief: '95% of the population is undateable?'"
