To the boy trying to love me,

I know I am difficult and confusing. I know I am insecure and unsure of myself a lot. I know I can slide into doubt over the littlest things. I struggle with knowing my worth every day. I was told how worthless I was and how I didn't deserve to be treated like a person and with respect. I can recall those words perfectly, and they have stuck with me for almost two years now. And let me tell you, it sucked and I cried and I felt terrible about myself. I still do. I have had to learn how to love myself, and learn that I am worth so much more. And I was lucky enough to have wonderful people remind me of that. Don't get me wrong, I am not back to 100 percent myself yet, and getting there is going to be a journey, but I know I have a purpose, and I know I do deserve respect. I have forgiven the silly little boy who came before you, who said those things, but I haven't forgiven myself for allowing him to see me that way or for believing him when he said them. I am trying to get there, and you have been thrown into this journey with me, and I thank you for that. Bare with me through my difficulties. I need to be reminded that I am safe with you and that I am accepted and acknowledged as a person. I guess I am saying proceed with caution. I can hold my own, but I am still fragile. I need to be reminded that I am okay. I need to be reminded that I am loved, and I am special. I need to be reminded that I am worth far more than I could ever be given. I need to be just need to be reminded that what he said to me wasn't true.

Unfortunately, you don't get to know or love the girl I was before.You are stuck loving the broken, and the scared girl I have become. I am scared of being worthless again and everything I am not pointed out again, and I am scared I am going to be told I'm not worth it again and that I don't deserve to be appreciated. Help me learn to love myself, by loving me until I am whole again, and loving me after. I know there are bad days and good, and I am sorry for that, but thank you for not letting it push you away. Thank you for wanting to help me better myself, and helping me heal. I know it can't be easy. I know it makes you angry, and upset. I know it's hard to understand.I could never explain how much hurt and doubt in myself he has caused me. I could never explain how it feels. I am glad you don't understand...I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it's a reality for so many.

I will get better, for you and more importantly for myself. Thank you for you patience. And in the words of Meredith Grey (with a little twist)..." So, Keep picking me. Keep choosing me. Keep loving me." Please keep being the Derek to my Meredith, and being my knight in shining whatever, even though I don't really need saving, I just need time to get to who I am going to be.

With love, your love.