I feel like I am on a journey and every step I take is farther and farther off the path. In a way, I feel like I am blinded and guided only by instinct. There is a certain fear that slowly creeps its way into my stomach at times, but other times, I am filled with the happiness of spontaneity and good times. You make me feel this way, and I am not even sure that you realize this. I am writing this letter to you with the idea that you might not ever read it. Maybe I am writing this to you so I don't have to say this in person. Maybe this letter only serves to make me feel better about something that brings so much uncertainty.
I do not call you my boyfriend but, in fact, I call you my friend. However, it is a little bit more than friendship. Does this scare me? All the time. I am never sure whether or not either one of us is on the same page about what we are. I cannot say for sure that we will ever be more than friends. If you had asked me when we first met if I thought we would be together, I would have said no. But then again, at the time, I also would have told you that it was only platonic. I am not saying that I am holding out hope for something more, but I am saying that I am excited about our future. Whatever that future may be, it's OK with me.
Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Through this entire experience, I have looked to this verse to teach me to trust in the Lord over my own intuition. I look to this verse when I am uncertain over the outcome or get antsy and want more answers. I have to trust that He will carry us to the other side. Whether we become more than friends or decide to amicably part ways, we have to trust in God's will. Only He knows what is best for each one of us. Together we must walk wisely so that neither one us is hurt.
My hopes are that you are never hurt by any of my doings. I want to bring you joy in your life and times you will never want to forget. Taylor Swift wrote in her song "State of Grace," "This is the Golden Age of something good and right and real." Well, I hope this is your Golden Age, or maybe one of many Golden Ages that you will be lucky enough to have. I hope you look back at this moment in your life many years from now and appreciate it for everything that it is.
I sometimes look at you and wonder what you are thinking. I want to know what you mean when you say you miss me. How much? I ask myself as I look into your eyes. I may never know the full extent of what this has meant to you. What it means to each of us may be different and I have learned that what I take from the experience is unique to me. I am limited to the words you give me, my hopes for you and the extent to which I trust God.
