​An Open Letter To The Boy I Once Thought Was Mine

I told you everything was okay and I was lying. Whether you picked up on it or not, I just want you to know that. It's something that I wasn't going to admit and I never will, at least to you anyway.

There's nothing I could do in order to change our the course of our lives went. Trust me, I don't know if I want to change it. There was a time where I wanted you to be here, I wanted to see your face when you look me in the eye. I wanted to hear your voice because it had always brightened my day. Maybe I had thought about it more than I should have but I was feeling hopeful that maybe we would have been a thing. A girl was just dreaming and I found that out.

I want you to know that even though my heart is full and shattered, I hold nothing against you. You deserve to live your life however way you chose and if that doesn't include me then so be it. What could I do? You want someone else and that's perfectly fine. I'm happy that you have found someone who will brighten you life even if it darkens mine.

We crushed and we crushed hard but maybe I put my heart into it more so than you. That's what I do, when I fall hard for someone I end up breaking my own heart when it doesn't work out. I did it last year and I happened to do it again. There's nothing wrong with shattering like glass in order to repair yourself back up again.

I'll admit that I am thankful for you and you don't even know that. Last year I had a terrible experience of a guy treating me like I didn't matter to him when I honestly thought I did. I dug myself into a whole and became depressed and alone over the situation. When I finally got around to talking to you it helped me climb out onto higher ground. Maybe that's why I'm so hurt, I had you build me up only to spiral back down except I didn't fall completely. I know you cared for me in your own way and you probably still do.

I don't hate you nor do I want things to end up awkward. Sure, they will be awkward considering we have mutual friends but I have to put myself past it. If you want to talk to me about whatever your going through and your relationship, that's fine. I just want you to know that I lied to you the other day.

I told you everything was cool, I told you everything was fine. In all honestly, I cried my eyes out probably for two hours on and off because I was hurting. It's not your fault and it's not mine either. I just had a thought in my head that maybe you and I could come together and be something. I broke my own heart and that's fine. I pick up the pieces and figure out a way to carry on. After all, I've done that before and I can do it again.