It seems like the idea of boundaries are somewhat vague and confusing in church these days, or should I say, within the Christian mindset and life. What are they? Are they biblical? And how do we establish them?
My mom recently gave me a book to read, with the very original title of “Boundaries,” perhaps insinuating that it would be better to learn how to establish them earlier on in life, rather than later. You see, I grew up in a household where my mother was very involved, very intentional about making sure everyone was given what they needed and was very selfless in the process. She did this to the point where she gave up pretty much everything she liked to make sure everyone else would be pleased. This sounds “self sacrificial” and “loving” right? I am in no way saying what my mother did was not self-sacrificial or loving, but in light of the topic of boundaries, here are some concerns she now has that she has shared with me so that this pattern won’t be repeated in the future.
So what are they? She’s realized that it’s good to establish herself as a separate entity from her family. My mother is a beautiful, strong and vibrant woman with opinions, hopes, dreams, fears and so on. But because of the way she learned how to push herself to the side and sacrifice so much of herself for others, she has come to find that those around her have adopted the mindset that it’s appropriate to stop trying to get to know her; to know her deepest inner workings, and to ultimately stop valuing her the way she should be valued. It is good to give of ourselves. Christ gave of Himself for us, but he never lost his identity in the process. He didn’t forfeit who God had sent Him to be from the very beginning in an effort to please the people around Him. In the same way, my mother has begun to realize the precious gift of a voice that has been given to establish herself as a daughter of Christ. She won’t always be able to please those around her, because she can’t be everything to everyone. And that shouldn’t be expected of any human being. She has the ability to say “yes,” or to say “no,” and has begun grasping that she will still be unconditionally loved by the Father.
Are they biblical? Yep. They are. And here’s why. Boundaries were set in place to protect God’s people, His creation and His standing between His people and Himself. They are intended to foster deeper relationship, that is able to flourish within the assigned parameters of what He has deemed as healthy. He tells His people to pursue righteousness, and flee from sin, not because He’s some big party pooper in the sky, but because He is intent on maintaining uninterrupted relationship between His children and Himself. So, in our realm--in our hectic daily lives that are rushing by at a hundred miles an hour--it is our responsibility to say yes to what will allow this relationship with Christ to grow, and no to what may hinder that communion with our Father. Even if this means saying no to something “good!”
Now here’s the tricky part, because I’m still in the very formative stages of answering this question myself. How do we establish boundaries? It seems simple, but we tend to overcomplicate things. Or at least I do. Jesus in Matthew 5, goes through different parallels illustrating the importance of intentionally approaching life. We are to expressly engage or disengage ourselves from situations. So, as I have tried my hand at this whole, “establishing boundaries” thing, I have found that it has been necessary to cut ties with some things. Even things that I really love, in order to reset my eyes on what God had originally called me to in the first place. God has challenged me to please Him, rather than people, and in that process, I have been forced to disappoint some. I suppose part of learning to establish boundaries is coming to the realization that not everyone is going to be happy with what God has called you to, nor is everyone going to be supportive. As we are setting out to please Christ, rather than people, He will ultimately give us the strength we need to cut ties with the expectations of the world, in order to see more clearly the vision He has in belonging solely to Himself.
I hope this helps and encourages. It’s hard, and I really would love your input in the comments below! What has your biggest struggle in establishing boundaries been, and how has that process been helpful or even difficult?
