Since beginning the new year, I have made it my goal to get back to a healthy lifestyle. I will be the first to admit that one of my motivators was what I saw when I looked in the mirror, but that really wasn't the bigger picture behind it. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to accomplish something for me, for my sake, because I said so. I had a lot to prove to myself. In the year that I wasn't working out or paying attention to what went into my body, I gained a lot (of weight), but I lost even more. Confused? Let me explain.

Freshman year of college meant a meal plan with access to all the pizza, soda and ice cream I could want. It also meant parties, no one to tell me to go to sleep and not knowing how to really take care of myself. I started packing on the pounds, but other things started to slip away. I was losing motivation because I constantly felt terrible. My confidence dipped every time a different article of clothing started fitting differently. My body and mind weren't functioning properly because I almost never slept long enough. My grades were OK, but I could hardly focus on anything. On top of all of this, I didn't like myself because I could see all of these changes happening, but I just couldn't make myself do anything to reverse them. I was unhealthy — physically and mentally.

A lot of people talk about the "freshman 15" or just gaining weight as you grow up in general, but we focus so much on what we look like that no one mentions what it does to you as a person. How can we put forth the best version of ourselves when we don't even like who we are? We judge ourselves based on the number that appears on the scale or the grade at the top of our latest exam, but what about the qualities that you can't measure numerically? What if we were as concerned with the way we speak to others as we are with the way our jeans fit? What if instead of judging ourselves based on the three extra pounds we put on, we truly regretted the last three mean things we said or thoughts we had? It is considered completely normal to be disappointed with yourself because of your weight, but why don't we care when our personalities are uglier than our appearance could ever be?

For a while, I became that person. I became the person who was obsessed with what the scale would tell me, but I wouldn't think twice about having a negative thought. I was so focused on how ugly I thought my body was that I didn't care how ugly my personality was in danger of becoming. Luckily, it didn't take long for me to realize that maybe my problem was deeper than my physical insecurities. After all, would judging someone else or having mean thoughts about them make me look any different?

Since going back to the gym and changing my lifestyle, I have lost weight. My clothes are fitting looser, I'm a lot less sluggish, and I'm really just happier in general. But as great as it is to be able to buy smaller pants when I go shopping, nothing compares to the feeling I get when I realize that I have replaced a negative thought with a positive one with no extra effort. No amount of pounds lost makes me happier than seeing a woman who I once would have hated because she "looks better than me" and being able to recognize who she is as a person and make the effort to be her friend. Most importantly, though, I am so relieved that I have recognized that no matter how long I spend in the gym, it's all worthless without the ability to love who I am beyond my weight.

So how do we fix this problem that such a large portion of our society struggles with? I can't claim to know how to fix the world, but I think I know how to help. Stop seeing the body. Start seeing the person. As much as I love it when someone tells me that I am looking good or that my time at the squat rack is paying off, it is so much better to have someone tell me how intelligent I am, or how happy I seem, or how much more I smile lately. I realize that appearance is the first thing we see, but when it comes down to it, do we want to get to know people or their body fat percentage? Physical health is extremely important which is why I believe everyone could benefit from being a little more active and eating a few more greens, but none of that will make us better as people.

Looking better is nice, but being better is great.