Let me get one thing straight. Buying clothing is stupid and I hate it. I’m probably not alone in this, actually, I know I am not alone in this. For some reason, the clothing industry has decided that there are only two body types that fit two genders and those genders have very specific shapes and only those shapes. And I’m fairly certain I am not the only one who has been bothered by this fact and has had some poor experiences based around this fact. But at the end of the day, I still am one of many women who fall outside of the standards that society has set, and drilled in people's brains, on how a woman is shaped, should be, and is.

It’s dumb and has made much of my life hell. Growing up as someone who never felt completely comfortable wearing most women’s cut tops or pants or anything. My shoulders were too broad, my legs were never the shape that they claimed women’s legs were. So I wore men’s jeans. I wore baggy clothing that not only was comfortable but covered up the frame that I was always so self-conscious about. That’s one of the perks of being an athlete, most athletic clothing is very free and fits nearly any frame. And even if it doesn’t, you can get away with wearing whatever you want. And unisex t-shirts are always fair game, no one suspects any un-comfortability.

Flip your clock to older Torri. Who is still struggling with the fact that she is built in a way that society views as masculine, and therefore has to attempt to compensate in some way shape or form to claim whatever little femininity she has left. And you don’t have to tell me that societies standards are dumb because I’m aware they are and I shouldn’t have to conform to anything that what I am and know to be. I am just another way to be female, and that’s cool.

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t completely easy and non conflicting. I’m currently in the process of buying dress clothing that I actually feel good in. That means those stupid blouses and skirts in my closet aren’t cutting it anymore. I hated them since day one, but I had to get them because those are the types of clothing a normal typical female would buy. But I am not built like that weird standard of normal typical female. I’m looking to buy suit pants and button down shirts, something that is hard to come by comfortably in the women’s section of clothing.

But, does it honestly matter where I buy my clothing from as long as I feel good about wearing it? None of you will be able to argue with me about how good I look, yet I still feel that as soon as I put it on I will need to compensate in some way shape or form just so people can still recognize me as the gender that I am. I’m just dressing like Torri. I’m not dressing butch. I’m not dressing like a lesbian. I’m not dressing like a man. I'm not dressing like anything except the person that I am. So, why do I still feel the need to conform to a set of standards that has never allowed me to to fit in them because of small details in my skeletal and muscle structure. Women have wide shoulders, Women have no waist, Women have whatever women dang well please.

This shouldn't be a big deal. And honestly, it’s refreshing to finally have the gumption to purchase and wear the clothing that I have wanted to buy for so long. But that doesn’t make any of it easy. It’s still incredibly conflicting and I might have problems with this for the rest of my life dealing with the fact that I fit into men's clothing even though I am not a man, I am a woman and society is really dumb for making me feel so badly about wearing the clothing that I want to wear. And then continuing to produce clothing that is so cookie cutter in shape and fails to account for all of the forms that being a woman can take.