If you've been on this Earth for some time now, you're bound to have heard the English proverb "blood is thicker than water." Typically, people use this proverb to refer to family relations and how the bonds that hold family together are tighter than any other bonds that could hold people together. Maybe your parents or that crazy aunt has used this on you to guilt into conforming to your family's belief systems.
God knows my family has.
As with so many things, there is a HUGE misconception about this proverb that no one seems to want to address. Mostly because, as with so many things, people are ignorant about the origins of it.
The original proverb goes something like this:
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
See? Totally different meaning.
The proverb originally was intended to show that the bloodshed of men in the military helped to form a bond tighter than any relationship you could have with family members. Your fellow soldiers became your "chosen family" so to speak. It had nothing to do with saying that the ties that bind you to your family are deeper than any other relationship.
And quite honestly, even if that was the case, I would disagree.
We live in a society where we are so divided, so polarized, so split. Parents disown their children for not agreeing with their beliefs, for not following their religion, for living their truth and how their God made them. Why should children be forced to live a lie to conform to their family's lifestyle just because "family comes first"?
For some time now, I have been more concerned with authenticity rather than conformity. Several personal experiences have led me to realize that sometimes family members are not always there for you. They will let you down. They will betray you. They will lie, cheat, and steal.
Why should you have to put up with that?
Just because they're family and you feel some sort of obligation to them?
I have been very fortunate to grow up in a home where my parents have not allowed outside family members to influence what they do or think. I have family members who have let us down, who have intentionally lied and have manipulated to a point beyond forgiving.
I have seen family members go against what our family believes in and been ridiculed mercilessly for it. When I was younger, I agreed with the majority: how could they turn their back on the family? But as I grew older and dealt with issues myself that were considered divisive, I understood.
They had the courage to go against the family and be their own, authentic self. They thought for themselves.
The phrase "chosen family" has been thrown around a lot recently. You can pick your friends, the people you want to be around and that you have shared beliefs with. You can control that. You can't pick your family whatsoever. It may sound sad or even ungrateful for me to subscribe to this belief, but several experiences with extended family members have led me to this point.
For my own mental health, I cannot associate with these people anymore.
It's just not healthy.
I still have family members who have not realized this, and I see their pain. I feel for them. But I cannot change their minds, just as they cannot change mine. I refuse to let anyone regardless of their relation to me control my life and the choices that I make. I also refuse to allow myself to blindly follow anyone without having a say in the matter.
If there's anyone out there struggling with a situation similar to this, just know that you are not alone. The sense of obligation you feel to an abusive family situation is not healthy nor is it normal.
To be clear, I am not advocating for total abandonment of family. I am very lucky and happy to say that I have many great extended family members that I love and enjoy spending time with. However, I do have a few that have allowed our relationship to become so toxic in a way that I can no longer consider them family.
It's sad, but it's a reality.
Yes, blood is not thicker than water, but it depends what analogy you subscribe to.
