Almost exactly two years ago I left for India. This time of year I always reflect on my experience there. I wrote a blog when I was in India and I like to go back and read it. I love the piece below because it's a reflection on all of my feelings that I felt at that time and how I felt like I was really home there. I know now that after this post my love would only grow.
Today is exactly my halfway point.
The other morning I arrived home to the orphanage after an amazing trip to Jaisalmer.
And this place is that, it’s my home. All of my recent memories are here, all my inside jokes rest in this place, this is where my closest friends here stay and my family here resides. When I am away on a weekend this is the place that I miss. Reflecting back on everything I’ve experienced in the last 2 1/2 months is both wild and beautiful. As I stood in the metro station in Delhi on the way home from Jaisalmer I just thought to myself “I could totally buy an apartment in Delhi, get a job, make friends, visit the girls, and it wouldn’t feel crazy at all. I could do that. I would be okay, I think.” It’s funny how quickly a place can go from this dream in your mind to a full-on, scary reality to then a place that you live and love in. That’s not to say there’s things I don’t know, that I’m always comfortable, that I am always happy and that things don’t frustrate me. It’s just that I like living here now, most days are just day to day life and I’m doing good.
Thinking about my 2 1/2 more months here though is also very sad. I know it’ll go by so quickly. It also makes me think about going home. I know my emotions are mixed on that subject. I know I will be so excited to see my family but I’m going to miss the girls and living here so much. Thinking about my family is very hard for me. I try to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. I know if I think about my family too deeply I’ll miss them and that’s not why I’m here. But thinking about having lived away from them for 2 1/2 months when before this I hadn’t been away from them for more than 3 weeks is crazy. Sometimes I think about everything I’m missing and I just have to push it back. I also try not to think about the state of my friends when I get home. I know when I return most of my friends won’t be there, they’ll be all over the place, which is both a blessing and a curse. I’m glad my friends are passionate people who are experiencing new things, like me, but I get very lonely just thinking about not having all of them as my support system when I get home. But most importantly I now have a support system in India, I have a family in India, and now part of my heart will always be here. I have learned so much being here. I know I have changed, I am so much more ready to love and less concerned with all of the unimportant details. And I am sure I will change even more. But it’s scary trying to picture how I will fit in when I get back. My worst nightmares and thoughts are being away from the girls and how much I will miss them and I am not sure how I will handle that.
In the end, as far as my half way mark goes, it’s all mixed emotions. I can’t believe how long I’ve been here but how quickly it’s gone and I can’t believe I have two and a half more months until I am home, but I also don’t want it to end. I just hope I can enjoy all of my adventures and time here like I did my first half. I love the girls so much that I can’t believe I’ve known them only so long and that I have to leave them so soon. So on my half way point in India…I’m currently planning my next trip back.
Side note: Himani just told me my last name means peacock in Hindi. This is exciting news.
So, looking back, I feel lots of love and miss this magical place very much. Home is where you love. So, go somewhere and love deeply.
