Being an African-American girl, it's not surprising that I've experienced being put down or bashed by young black men; I can recall various experiences from my elementary school, middle school, and high school years. Unfortunately, for most black girls, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Today, black women are especially made fun of and degraded via social media.
Knowing that comments like these are the norm for a portion of black men regarding black women, I was not surprised when I stumbled upon a blog post written by a black man who used to hate and bash black girls on social media. What caught my attention was the title: "Confessions of a Former Self Hating Black Man Who Used to Bash Black Women on Social Media." The title implies that this man has stopped bashing black women and has stopped hating himself. Unaware of why this sort of hate was a norm, I wanted to hear his confession; I wanted to know why he stopped.
Written anonymously, and for good reason, the blog post begins with the writer's description of his friends while growing up, "I grew up in a two parent middle class household in the south." said the writer. He also describes how, although he and his friends had socioeconomic differences -- ranging from "the hood" to the best neighborhoods in town -- they all had two things in common: They were all young black men and were all interested in white girls.
The writer describes how he and his friends would regularly make fun of black girls for their hair, skin tone, and the way they talked, often complaining that they "reminded us of our cousins, sisters and other female family members while white girls (and other non-Black girls) on the other hand, were so different from us in so many ways. I personally believe that this is one of the main factors as to why many black men are so interested in women of other races." The writer also describes how he and his friends viewed liking white girls as the "cool" thing to do, and that if a white girl had any interest in him or any of his friends, then that person was seen as a god.
As the story goes on, the writer continues to describe his fascination with women outside of his race: "For me and my friends, white girls came first followed by Latina, Asian, and mixed girls, in no particular order.
"To me most black women represented everything that I didn’t want in a woman. I felt that most were too loud, too argumentative, had too much attitude, and were too much to handle. I believed these things despite being raised by and around black women who represented absolutely none of these things. I simply saw my mother and other female family members as exceptions to my generalization so they didn’t count," he writes.
The writer even describes how his view of liking and wanting to marry a white girl as "cool" turned into something much darker: "By wanting mixed children with 'good hair' I was in a way putting down my own black features. I had thick nappy hair and dark skin. My features where in direct contrast to the features I wanted my future children to have which looking back on it now I see as a big problem. I never thought that I had problems with my skin tone or hair texture but my thought process confirmed that I did in fact have some issues which I have since overcome."
The turning point in the writer's story began when he entered college. Attending one of the South's largest PWIs (Predominately White Institutions), the writer discovered his school was basically socially segregated -- that white people usually mingled with or dated each other, and black people respectively. Because of this, the writer found himself no longer having easy access to the women he desired. He describes himself as being "forced into a tight knit black community and forced to adapt and 'deal' with black women and all the negative attributes that I felt that they possessed."
The only thing is, the writer never found any of these misconceptions and stereotypes to be true. After spending time with black women, he found them to be beautiful, intelligent, supportive, and inspiring. "The thing that intrigued me most about them was despite being aware that they were undesired by many of their own men they still did everything they could to do uplift, support, and advocate for us," said the writer. He also described himself as "awakened" by black women's response to the Mike Brown shooting and that the experience was "awe inspiring and life changing for me. In my experiences with dealing with women from other races I never saw any other group of women who were so for their men as black women are for black men."
Although this writer's story ended up having a good outcome, it still suggests and perhaps even promotes a staggering idea -- that black women are the most undesired group of women worldwide. Research from the dating app OKCupid has even proved that this is the case and that black women are least likely to find a match on the app.
So why do black men degrade black women in real life and on social media? It is likely that there are many causes for this, but one prominent reason is the fact that American society teaches black men not to love themselves; that dark skin is not pretty; and that kinky hair is not "good hair." Somehow, society has instilled the image of white people as being "good and right," while black women are loud, ghetto, and everything bad.
Along with all the other predicaments the black race faces, this is among them. But, how do we go about changing these awful social norms that have been upheld for so long? It is obvious that we must teach our children to love their blackness but, before we even do that, we must admit that black men hating black women (or dark-skinned women) is, in fact, a problem.
