In another feat of terrific brutality, approximately 60 innocent bargain-hunters were brutally slaughtered in the annual Black Friday massacres. Each year in retailers across the country thousands of shoppers are kicked, stabbed, shot and trampled in a fervent effort by their stingy counterparts to lay their hands on some "good" deals.
This year saw the greatest number of people killed on Black Friday in an inner city Atlanta Walmart in 30 years. What exactly were the victims (and murderers) scrambling to buy? Only the highest quality assorted lint collections, used tissues and torn-up pieces of paper going for a mere $35.44 each. Talk about a steal! We were on the scene as the events unfolded and managed to get an interview with one of the bystanders named John Cruckstad.
"Well y'know ah just walked in this here establishment to pick me up some kazoos for my hootinanny on Saturday with my maw and paw and 29 cousins but then I heard gunshots a'firin and hit the deck."
We asked Cruckstad if he saw who was firing, which he affirmed.
"Twas a lady wearing a lilac beret and hollering 'If y'all don't hand me that sack of garbage I'm gonna scream and light somebody on fire!' Naturally, I did as I was told and hurled the nearest trash can at her. Little did I know, I just instigated one of the largest Walmart riots in Georgia history."
"The lady in the lilac beret lost her mind and started picking off people one by one. Eventually, somebody hit her with a an Elmo inflatable and knocked her out cold. Then everyone made a mad dash for the bargain bin. Unfortunately, half of my cousins were trampled underfoot. I don't know where the rest went, but it's not looking good for them," said Cruckstad.
We offered our condolences for the loss of their lives.
"Eh I never liked em anyway," said Cruckstad.
*This is satire/fiction. This is not real. No customers were hurt in the making of this article.*