We have all seen those shrieking horrors of the sky that we call "birds." Many people have been fooled into thinking birds are your friends. However, that is just not so. Here are 11 facts about birds that may shock you.
1. Birds wake you up super early.
This summer, there was a solid two weeks where I couldn't fall asleep until 7-8 a.m. The main culprit to my insomnia? Birds greeting each other at 3 a.m.
2. Hanging with birds will lower your GPA.
Can birds help you study? No, all they do is distract you from your classes and eat your sunflower seeds.
3. Birds are super judgy.
They definitely keep a burn book on everyone they see.
4. If you eat a raw bird, you'll probably get sick.
There's no way you'll survive a zombie apocalypse on raw bird meat.
5. If you hang out with a bird, you'll probably get sick.
Remember the bird flu epidemic? Need I say more?
6. Birds are narcissistic jerks.
Birds are so full of themselves that they only want to talk about themselves and never want to listen to you. Talk about terrible friends.
7. They literally spy on your every move.
Crow experts say that crows learn from watching others. In fact, I have seen crows pick up trash and throw it in the garbage. But while they are spying on us, what else are they learning? Our secrets, perhaps?
8. Birds feed on your weaknesses.
Still think birds are your friends? Guess again. Because birds are constantly surveying you, they naturally know all of your weaknesses. "Why do you think they poop on you when you're already having an crappy day?" says Dr. Bryson Gobel, who has a Ph.D. in Bird Philosophy.
9. You have never seen a bird.
Think about it. Have you actually SEEN a bird? No. Those so-called birds aren't actually birds at all, but highly detailed Obama Drones that track your every move. These drones were first implemented in the fine print of the Patriot Act of 2001, and became public knowledge through the Affordable Care Act of 2010 (hence, why birds are actually called "Obama Drones".)
10. There is a movement against the birds.
On January 21, 2017, in Memphis, Tennessee, one brave man started protesting the birds at a Women's March. His video went viral, and countless others also joined the #BirdsArentReal movement, creating signs and proclaiming the truths about the birds, using the slogan "Wake up America!". There are several social media accounts dedicated to this cause that you can follow, including https://birdsarentreal.tumblr.com.
11. Some Corban students are a part of that movement.
During finals week of last semester, two Corban students started a movement. They wanted to live in a world that knew that truth, that America needed to wake up and smell the dead bird corpeses (or more realistically, the melting metal,) and become aware of the imminent threats that birds pose.
Now that you know the truth, join the movement. Share this article using #BirdsAren'tReal.
