During the first week of break and throughout finals week, I had continuously questioned my desire to continue nursing as a student at Creighton. With the constant pressure from family and exams hitting, it was only a matter of time that I would eventually hit this block during my college career.
After studying for the entire day with Nicky and Ronnie in the Health and Sciences Library, I dwelve into thought before bed at 3am in Swanson Hall. Thoughts raced across my mind with a few hours before my final. Thoughts such as, "What will I do if I fail?" or "How can I face my parents if I fail nursing." "Is there any way of me being able to move forward with my life if I fail nursing?" and so on.
A part in my mind really wanted to quit and I nearly lost to that part. I slept in Swanny instead of Kenefick Hall to spare myself an extra 30 minutes of sleep before my 8AM Microbiology final. A little throwback tribute to my freshman year at Creighton.
Rush to 6:55 AM in the elevator of Swanson Hall on the way to breakfast (I guess breakfast was more important than sleep), a prayer slipped from my tounge. I prayed, "Lord, if I somehow pass microbiology this semester, I will go to Church every Sunday and pray for all the nursing students who are so passionate to pursue nursing in addition to those struggling to continue through the program such as myself."
It's 7 AM at Brandeis and to my surprise, a good amount of other students within our nursing class were there. All were sleep deprived and anxiety-filled. Yet, it only took a few optimistic peers to change the outlook.
We were there for each other all sharing the same pre-test anxiety and struggles. Yet, there were those who looked past the dark tunnel toward the bright end and supported everyone who felt like they were still at the beginning of the tunnel. Those people gave me a glimmer of hope to look forward to.
It's 7:55 AM in the lecture hall with only a few moments to spare before the exam. I can say right now, those 5 minutes before the exam were the longest 5 minutes of my entire life as the weight of the world began to fell upon me. Heart racing fast, breaths really heavy, I felt myself slipping.
Exam time: As I scanned the first page, the anxiety overwhelmed me. I froze for the first 10 minutes of the exam breathing heavily to the point I felt I was going to pass out (sorry to the person who was in front of me who looked back at me at least 5 times). I realized it was already deep into the exam time allotted and I've answered less than 20 questions already.
With 30 minutes already passed, I finally recollected myself and began to think critically and put to use my 2 week preparation work for the exam. That exam took me over an hour to finish. When I finished, I sat in the hallway of the Criss building and nearly cried in relief and gratefulness as I waited for Nicky to finish.
After the exam, Nicky and I went to St. John's chapel, lit a candle, and sent a prayer of thanks for everyone's thoughts who were with us during that exam and a prayer for everyone who took that exam. I cried in that Chapel with a lot of joy, gratitude, and thanks for everyone in our program.
Although I have been a cradle Catholic my entire life, I've always been skeptical of God's existence my entire life. That day, I truly felt that God existed and was looking over us. That may have been the second happiest day in my life. Nicky and I shared a bro-moment as we left the chapel screaming to each other, "We did it!"
Looking back at that exam from today, if it weren't for everyone I ran into that morning before that exam and the people I studied with, I would have given up and thrown in the towel. Ignatius says, "Find God in all things."
That morning and throughout studying for that exam, I found God in all the people who gave others hope and the will to keep going. My self-confidence and will to fight would have been lost if it weren't for them and the battle would have been over before it even started.
That day reminded me why I wanted to become a nurse and I nearly lost sight of it. What brought me back from my thoughts of withdrawing was the people in our program and it re-kindled my reason for pursuing the field. There is a reason why Creighton has a great nursing program.
That reason is because the students will never be struggling alone. Before we care for a patient, we work as a team to care for each other as we carry and share each others' weight.
Our practice doesn't begin when we graduate with a BSN and a RN license. Our practice begins in the classrooms and libraries caring for each other to make it through the program. Nursing has always been and will remain to be a team effort.
Before we can support others' in their worst moments in life, we have to support each other during our worst moments. There will be times when we hit the worst days of our lives throughout the program and there will be times when we are nurses and hit the worst days of our lives.
Nurses are not just there for their patients but also for each other. Honestly, that is what makes nursing so unique. The fact that we will always have each others' back even when caring for others is so unique.
