You've seen the movie. You know, the one where the awkward pre-teen moves to a new school, struggles to find friends, and triumphantly discovers a lifelong, supportive best friend. Let me just say, it's much more glamorous when it happens in a movie.
My sixth grade year I moved to a neighboring school district. It was only five miles away, but I felt like outsider in my new school. I was your typical, shy, awkward, 12-year-old girl with a fear of cafeterias (and any new social situation). My first day of school I dragged my feet to the front of the cafeteria and faced nearly 300 strangers. However, I soon recognized the faces of a few girls I played community basketball with years before. I sat with them for weeks, and then suddenly, my middle school world fell to pieces.
I'd just placed my lunch tray on the table, and I noticed that the girls were speaking in whisper voices and avoiding all eye-contact with me. Then, one girl looked up. Her words parroted Gretchen Wiener's from the movie "Mean Girls." "You can't sit with us anymore," rang hot in my ears. I'd been voted out, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I picked up my tray, dumped my food and ran to the bathroom to hide my tears.
That was not the first time, or the last, that I'd been dumped for the "better friend," or that case the "better friend(s)." It was one of those times in your life when the friend your with notices someone else and leaves you to spend time with them, instead of you. As they leave, they say something like, "You understand. I'll see you later. It's no big deal." You smile, nod your head, and walk the other direction. Sure, you understand—you understand that you're the second choice.
In my experience, the only other social crisis that can rival this is the third wheel situation (or in my case, often the fifth wheel situation). Urban Dictionary defines "third wheel" as the "one who deters the socialization of a couple, perhaps when being invited out of pity or through a feeling of duty." Yikes. I've been there once or twice. Unfortunately, this feeling of invisibility and bothersome-ness is something I sometimes experience even with the people I consider my closest friends.
It's painful. No one wants to feel like the odd man out. Read that again. No one wants to feel like the odd man out. It's when I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like the third wheel or was abandoned for the "better friend" that I made some friends of my own. I found my "better friends."
It started with a group of girls from my church. By grace, we were placed in the same discipleship group, and as we shared stories and experiences, I started to understand that there might just be other girls out there who felt the same way I did. We felt like we didn't belong in the larger group, so we made our own place of belonging with each other. And here's the great thing, people started to take notice.
Girls can be cruel. You know this to be true in your own life. Just look at our TV shows and movies; our entertainment stems from the fluctuation and inconsistency of a woman's character and actions. We love vindictiveness, plot twists and secret undertakings. Experiencing this malice firsthand, though, and you cry injustice. Why are women so hateful?
I think it starts with the heart. We all feel lonely, every one of us. We feel incomplete, unfinished. As a Christian, I believe that this suggests that there is a way, a solution to the heartache. There has to be. The pain steers me to believe that there is something greater I was created to be. There is a design and a purpose that I haven't discovered yet. For me and for my discipleship girls, that discovery began in Jesus Christ.
As we began to learn more about God's character and grace, we learned more about ourselves and our relationships with others. We became stronger leaders because we became stronger women.
Finding a place of belonging gives you a sense of confidence and strength. We worked as a team. We shared our strengths and our weaknesses. We all desperately wanted to be noticed, to be included and here, in our small group, we felt at ease. Here in God's presence we felt complete.
Leadership opportunities come in all shapes and sizes. If you're an introvert like I am, then I encourage you to find others like you. If you feel uncomfortable leading large groups or being the center of attention, then seek out the individuals who you may be sitting with in the back. Everyone needs a friend for support, for encouragement, and for direction.
Be the "better friend" for the people around you who need it most. Be the friend who is constant, consistent and close. Be a leader for yourself. Be a leader for the others who, like you at times, don't feel like they're ever noticed or even seen.
Reach out. Don't let your insecurities hold you back. Find your niche. Find your passion. Serve. Influence cannot be defined by a single characteristic, personality type or style. The world needs more people like you in it. The world needs your individuality.
Discover the mystery and the peace of Jesus Christ for yourself.
