Guys, we have to address this issue. We’ve been going on too long with the same pickup lines of, “Wanna take a shot?” “What’s your major?” and, “Have you lost weight?” If we really expect to be getting as many girls as our grandpa thinks we’re getting (bagged another 10 last night gramps!), then we have to be more creative in the way we are talking to girls. Let’s get a little more inventive. Instead of you experimenting with different ways to get in touch with these ladies, I’ve thought of some ideas of my own. Try them out at your next party and let me know how it goes.   

It’s no surprise that girls like compliments. However, they’re sick and tired of hearing how pretty their smile is or how beautiful their eyes are. The key in this day and age is to compliment them on little talked about features of their body. At your next pair, go up to a girl you’ve set your sights on and say something along the lines of, “Your elbows are so pointy, just the way I like them.” Be sure to maintain eye contact for as long as possible and breathe heavily through your mouth the whole time. The girl will LOVE that you appreciate her lesser noticed attributes, and pretty much will have no option but to end her night in your room.   

If you tried that option out and were unsuccessful (you won't be), then you can try this next line. Walk up to the bar, grab a girl that you don’t know by the arm (women love men that are forward with their intentions) and whisper to her, “What blood type are you?” No matter what her answer is to this question, slowly shake your head and say, “No, that wont do” and briskly walk away. She will be so intrigued by your intentions that she will no doubt try to find you later on at the party. It’s basically like shooting fish in a barrel.   

Ok, so that didn’t work for you either? No worries. I’ve got tons of strategies to get the girl of your dreams. Try this one on for size: pick out a girl at the beginning of the party that you want to talk to and follow her for about the first 2 hours of the event. I’m talking everywhere; the bar, dancing, the bathroom, while she’s talking to her friends, the police station (Why do all the girls I talk to always go to the police station?? Weird). Just follow them everywhere. It’s a great way to get noticed and there’s no chance they could forget about you! The most important part of this strategy is to follow her CLOSELY. Let her feel your breath on her neck. Remind her that you’re there. But never, under any circumstances, do you ever talk to her. You will ruin the mystery of the entire plan, and there is no way she’ll be interested.   

So options one, two and three didn’t work? Hey, sometimes it’s just not your night. However, this is exactly the reason I came up with the fourth and final idea. This one is literally foolproof. Every time it has been attempted, it works. Ready? Here we go. Every girl likes a hero right? Well that’s exactly the situation you are going to put yourself in. When you see her at the party with her friends, that’s the time to put the plan into action. Wait until a random partygoer walks by the group of girls, and violently shove the person into the girl you’re courting. Make sure that the girl does not see that you are the one that did this. If everything goes according to plan, she will be lightly knocked to the floor. When this happens, quickly swoop in and immediately start giving her mouth-to-mouth CPR, regardless of her injuries (If she has any at all) actually call for that treatment. Go on for awhile doing it as well, while loudly yelling every so often, “Can’t you see this girl is DYING!!” In her eyes, you will be the hero that saved her life. She will never forget about you, and you will go down in history as the legend that rescued that poor girl.   

So there you have it. If you try these, you are sure to get the girl you are going for. However, if someone asks you where you learned all of these tricks, please don't tell them you heard them from me...I’ve got to lay low from the public eye for a while for some stuff that definitely has nothing to do with these pieces of advice. Have fun out there kids!