"This Is Not Happening" is a Comedy Central show hosted by Ari Shaffir that showcases a handful of stand-up comics telling true stories having to do with an evening's given theme. The Comedy Central YouTube channel has a fantastic archive of selected bits from each episode.

Dive into some highlights from "This Is Not Happening" and laugh at how crazy life can be.

1. "Jeff Dye Could Go To Jail For This"

"The police don't care about jerseys."

2. Ali Siddiq: "Prison Riot"

"Prison is an odd place because you don't know the rules."

3. "T.J. Mller Has A Seizure"

"Later, I would ask my friends, 'Did you notice anything weird about how I was acting?" and they were like, 'Oh yeah. We thought you were on, like, hard drugs.'"

4. "Moshe Kasher Offends Some Jews"

"It's a bread-to-bread conversion. They're both carb-based punch lines! Do you understand how sophisticated a substitution that is?"

5. Keegan-Michael Key: "Picking Up A Crackhead"

"I am going to be a Good Samaritan if it kills me."

6. Will Weldon: "The Worst Second Date Ever"

"Well, she won me over when she screamed in my face not to interrupt her. That's when we clicked."

7. Iliza Shlesinger: "Lying Brian"

"My name is Iliza. I'm a stand-up comedian, and I struggle with being attractive, yet accessible."

8. Joe Rogan: "Hotel Fire"

"There is a thin veil of civilization that goes on when you are in a real, natural emergency."

9. Cy Amundson: "Bus People"

"I thought if I flew, I would die--obviously. So instead from Minneapolis, Minnesota to Dallas, Texas, I rode a Greyhound bus After you ride a Greyhound, you realize that dying's not that bad."

10. Henry Rollins: "Punk Rock Hyenas"

"I'm unnervingly polite, but I'm also capably violent."

11. Jim Breuer: "Bombing in Sears"

"I have sent six of my Libyan missiles to blow up the Sears Hardware Department in Valley Stream, Long Island...You have fifteen minutes to evacuate all of your craftsman tools."

12. Brett Ernst: "Babysitter Brawl"

"She b*tch slapped St. Peter! That's sacrilege!"

13. Solomon Georgio: "Mom Versus Bully"

"He would call us stuff like 'African booty-scratcher.' It's not an insult, it's true. I am African, and when my butt itches, I scratch it. What's wrong with you?"

14. Marc Maron: "Brain Cancer"

"Any time you Google symptoms know, in your heart, that all you're doing is looking to confirm that you're dying."

15. Paul Scheer: "Dog-S**t Sing Operation"

"Well guess what, this dog's dumb, and this dog's dumber."

16. Al Madrigal: "Becoming a Latino Comic"

"It's cloudy with a chance of carnitas."