when you first meet someone, you get a pretty good feel for what kind of role they are going to play in your life. at least i do. some people come into my life and i know that they are just a page in my story, maybe even just a few sentences. others come into my life and i just know that they will be intertwined through the rest of my book.
when you find a friend like that, there are no words to describe the way it feels. being around that person just turns any bad day into a good one. you feel completely you when you're around them. those kind of friendships don't come around too often.
when i met that friend of mine, i was only in middle school. at the time, i had no clue what a real friendship was. i struggled with insecurities and the concept of what it took to have a good relationship with someone that wasn't family. when you're young like that, you're really only friends with people because you see them everyday at school, and although you can pick which students at school are your friends, you never really know someone at that age.
but i knew that his friend of mine would be a huge part of my story.
as we got older, we went through rough patches where drama and immaturity stood in our way of truly being the best friends that we wanted to be to each other. that was until high school came around and we started to get a sense of who we were as individuals. at that point, we had become closer than ever.
high school came and went and we made some really great memories and formed a friendship that survived many big moments in each others lives. my family was hers and her family was mine. i truly thought she was my soulmate in a best friend form.
college came and went. these were the hardest years. we both lost loved ones close to us and went through some very difficult things, but we always came out stronger with each other to lean on.
it wasn't long after i graduated college that things changed.. but i'm not here to go into that. what i will say is that nothing could have prepared me to lose that person who i thought would stand next to me on my wedding day, be an aunt to my children and spend the rest of our days dancing through the bad days together. now i sit here, planning my wedding that she will not be standing next to me in and thinking of my future without her in it.
i've never really suffered a breakup. i lucked out and found the love of my life in high school, the man who i am marrying in a year. with that being said, i don't have much of an understanding of what it's like to lose a significant other. but in comparison to the hurt and loss i have felt in losing this friendship, i sure hope i never do. some even say that friendship "breakups" are worse than regular breakups. i can see how that might be.
it truly is one of the hardest things i've found myself struggling through. one day i might be fine, going on about my day without thinking about it. other days, i struggle to find peace in the way things ended. social media is the true enemy in these type of situations. when you're friends with someone for that long, there are so many memories made. and social media likes to bring those up, when it's the last thing you need to see. those are my weakest moments.
with every picture i see of her out enjoying life, it feels like another stab in the back. with every memory that slithers its way into my day, it feels as fresh as the day i realized we were never going to be the way we were before. i find myself thinking that this can't be real, that there is no way that this person that i put so much love, loyalty and friendship into has just walked out of my life and never looked back. and that is one of the hardest things you have to realize about growing up. and this is a lesson my mom told me years ago that has always stuck with me: if you expect yourself from everybody else, you will always be disappointed.
i have suffered losses in many ways throughout my life.. deaths, rocky family relationships, and friendships but i have survived each one. i have been the person made fun of, left out, forgotten about. i have been the person who fills everyone else's cup but her own. i am no longer that person.
time continues to pass without conversation and days go by where i wonder where it all went wrong. but in those moments, i think to myself:
not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.
every person who comes into your life has a lesson to teach you. all the memories you make with these people are meant to be made. those memories might be what makes it so hard to move on when it's time to let that person go, but those memories are also a huge part of what makes you both who you are.
at the end of the day, those lessons and memories might just be all you have.