Hi, _____

I'll leave your name out of this. I really hate saying it. But it's not like we're strangers. I mean, I've known you since I was in middle school. You played sports with my brother, stayed at my house, vacationed with my family. It was almost as if you were a part of my family. And we treated you like it.

But I guess we grew up, and you changed. I realized that when we took our last trip.

The trip where you sexually assaulted me in my sleep.

I remember the moment so vividly. So much so that as I am writing this now, tears are brimming my eyes. It still gives me great grief to recount the night. I didn't just lose a sense of innocence, I lost you. And you were one of my best friends.

I felt so comfortable around you, so vulnerable, you were someone I looked forward to seeing. I was elated to find that you were joining my family and me on a Thanksgiving trip, as I hadn't seen you since the year prior.

I noticed something different in our relationship on that trip. Our playful banter had sort of crossed the line into casual flirting. But you had a girlfriend, and I was uninterested. So to me, all it was, was innocent. To you though, it was anything but.

The last night of the trip you and I had watched a movie together with my brother. We had all fallen asleep on the pull-out sofa, or so I thought. You never fell asleep, after the movie ended you were wide awake. Next to me. You thought I was sleeping and that's when quietly, your hand wandered over. And I, I just felt paralyzed. I was in that weird state of being asleep and awake, and at first, it was hard to recognize what was happening and I also didn't want to believe it was real.

I thought, maybe I'm just having a nightmare. I turned over to face another direction in hopes you would stop touching me, and I pretended to keep sleeping.

But you didn't stop. Your hand came back. And I realized my nightmare was a reality.

I finally got the courage to move and jumped out of bed. You did nothing as I left the room. That night I slept in my parents' hotel room. They didn't ask any questions, I just told my mom I had a nightmare. I cried quietly in their spare bed until the a.m. Feeling pain, fear, and shame.

The next day, I had to face you. It was all a bit surreal. No one knew what you did. I didn't even tell my parents because I felt so embarrassed. As we sat in the airport waiting to go home it was so hard to see you, to watch you behave normally, even charismatic. As I was feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, and you had caused that feeling.

And then, after the plane landed and we arrived home, you texted me. It was something along the lines of "are you mad at me?" I thought the guilt hit you. So with confidence, I told you how you hurt me, scared me, and how I was so mad. But how did you respond?

 "I thought you wanted it." 

Nothing has ever made me feel sicker than that comment.

I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. How could I? When you started touching me I was asleep. I gave no consent. You made me feel dirty. You installed a fear in me, the fear that I can't even trust a best friend. To feel preyed upon, to feel weak, to feel scared of sleeping next to others. To have nightmares for a month on, to feel uncomfortable even having a sleepover with my best girlfriends. You did that to me. And what you did is something you can never take back. I had loved you as a friend and with that, you broke my trust and hurt me in the worst of ways.

After everything, I told my family. You and I stopped contact and went on with our lives.

As to why I am writing this four years later? I need to move. Writing this to you, it helps. I never got to properly tell you how wrong what you did was. So now, it's here.

In the end, I want you to know that I forgive you. But I will never forget your actions.

Sincerely,

Elly