If somebody asked you right now who your best friend is, would you be able to give them an answer?

There are certainly some people who would come up with an answer immediately, but I think that many others would have trouble answering this question. They would probably list off instead a few best friends, or a group of friends. So where does this concept of one best friend come from? I argue that it has its root in the culture portrayed in the TV shows and movies we watched as kids.

The TV shows I watched as a kid were centered around friendship. I wasn’t old enough to watch the shows whose focus was “boy-girl stuff” as we called it then, so my entertainment dealt either with familial relationships or friend relationships. The central conflict in most of these types of programs is what I call the “best friend” conflict.

You know how it goes: one central character may start to feel jealous because their “best friend” isn’t acting like their best friend anymore. In an overblown argument, one friend might try to hurt the other by saying “you’re not my best friend anymore!” and stomping off. You get the picture.

But the “best friend” conflict doesn’t stop at these preteen shows. In fact, it continues on in shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where the prerogative changes slightly to the group. Although it is slightly broader, the central conflict still surrounds the ties each character has to his or her group of best friends, to whom he or she must be loyal and almost exclusive.

This idea of having one solid best friend, or one solid group of best friends, has become a deep-seated cultural value in our society, at least among preadolescent and adolescent groups. I would argue, however, that this model can be potentially harmful to the way we view our social lives, for two reasons.

The first is that it may cause us to be less open to meeting other people who we could have meaningful relationships with, just because they are not a part of the set group. I think it is vital to have close and profound bonds with others, but I do not think that those bonds need to be constrained to a certain group of mutual friends. If it happens in that way, wonderful. But if you feel closer to others that are outside of the group, there is still great value in those relationships.

Secondly, it encourages us to define ourselves with respect to others, rather than with respect to ourselves. You run the risk of defining yourself based on your position within your group of friends, or even your position within the binary of you and your best friend, rather than within the larger scope of society. Therefore, your self-worth or your value is determined by a few others rather than by yourself as an individual, and you may have less control over it.

You might say I am devaluing the benefits of a group of intimate friends. But that is by no means what I intend to do. I see great value in the sense of belonging one has in a group of friends. I suggest not that it has no value, but rather that it should not be the sole value. I would encourage you to simply go to those people you feel drawn to for help and comfort, but not to define yourselves by their standards. Define yourself rather as the individual that you are.