Growing up we encounter a lot of people. In school, in sports or clubs, and our entire lives are shaped around some of these relationships. As we get older we get closer to certain people and drift apart from others and that's okay because that's life.
Some of our friendships blossom out of convenience. The girl you sat next to every day in English class knew all of your secrets, but the next year you probably didn't say two words to her because you had different classes.
Other friendships start at work, or because of mutual friends, or common interests. No matter how your friendships have started, we all have a few specific friends that stick with us for many years.
Having a best friend is having a constant shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime. Similar to a romantic relationship, you talk about growing up and becoming roommates or neighbors. When you fantasize about your future wedding day, she's the person you picture standing next to you. You talk about how your kids will be best friends and you can be soccer moms together. You plan out your entire future based on a friendship. But what happens when that friendship ends?
"Breaking up" with a friend or being "broken up with" by a friend is one of the hardest situations to go through. I'm not talking about drifting apart when you move away, or when you're too busy. I'm talking about an actual problem between you and your best friend. It doesn't even really matter what the problem is. Sometimes it can be something small or something really bad. You try over and over to fix it but you can't.
It's just like breaking up with a significant other although I think it might hurt a little more. You go through a period of devastation and questioning yourself as a person. Were you a good friend? Did you always offer good advice? Were you always there? What did you do wrong? That's the worst part is constantly wondering if you were good enough.
Then you hit the phase where after you're done trying to analyze the situation, you just miss them. You miss having them around. When something good happens they're the first person you want to call. When you make plans and try to invite and include your usual friend group you wonder if you should still include them. You see things that remind you of them and want to text them funny memes or tag them in a Facebook post. It's hard. It's like you're missing a piece of yourself.
Then there are a few more stages but they don't always happen. You have the weird phase where you're trying to fix it. This part doesn't always happen but if it does, it goes a little like this. basically, you start spending time together again but all you do it try to forget about what happened and not actually solve it. There is a constant elephant in the room and the awkward tension is way too heavy. You still want to bring up whatever is bothering you but it never feels like the right time or place. You don't want to hurt your friend but you know deep down your still hurting too.
So after the "missing them" phase and possibly the "fixing it" stage, you reach the next stage...acceptance. You start to realize that nothing you do will fix it. That it's a joint effort and both you and your friends need to want to fix it. Fighting with your best friends really sucks but it's also exhausting. You're always worried about them.
You're worried that they'll get mad at you for doing something without them even though you haven't talked in weeks. You're worried that they have a new better best friend. You worry that they hate you and that they say bad things about you. But that's where the acceptance comes in. It's when you realize all of the above and just let it go. You can't keep spending your days upset about something that won't change anytime soon.
Finally, this is the part where you start to move on. You remember that you have amazing people in your life and losing someone (no matter how great they were) is just a part of life. Although you've moved on (or you're trying to) it's okay to still be loyal to that person. Defend them if someone says something about them, reach out on birthdays and during important things. Cheer them on from afar and don't be bitter. Always be the bigger person.
It's okay to still love your best friend even if you're not best friends anymore because that's what best friends are. They're someone who loves you unconditionally no matter what. You probably had the best memories of them and you probably still smile when you think about them.
It's probably really hard to look back at old photos and find one without them in it. Although you may be angry and upset, continue to love them. You made a promise to them that you would love them and always be there, keep your side of the promise even if they have broken theirs. Remember, this person was your person and you've loved them through a lot.
