I'm not very good at being vulnerable.

Before I was in a romantic relationship, I never really noticed it. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I kept most people at arm's length. There were a handful of close friends and family members that I could be open with, but, with the exception of my mom, there was a period of time when I chose not to. I was very good at listening to people and showing them compassion, but I never really reciprocated their trust. And then this amazing guy showed up in my life, we started dating, and I wanted to share as much of my life as possible with him.

In the process of him getting to know me, I got to know myself in ways I hadn't expected. Together, we discovered some scars on my soul that I hadn't realized where there. Feelings of inadequacy, internalized lies - difficult stuff that's too heavy for a soundbite on the internet. I became acutely aware of just how broken I am.

In many ways, this was a good thing. It helped break down the hypocrisy of my own heart and revealed to me the façade of perfection that I tried to show the rest of the world. But it also meant late nights filled with tears and crippling self-doubt. Since then, God has been mending me into a stronger vessel, but there are still things that need healing.

I don't think I'm quite ready to share those things with the internet. However, I've recently been feeling a push to share those things with individuals in my own life. I want to figure out how to be vulnerable and genuinely authentic, open about brokenness. It might take me a while, but I believe that beautiful things will come of it.

I remember a Sunday school lesson that my mom taught years ago. She used an opaque plastic bottle and some sand to make her point. She filled the bottle with sand, and asked if we could still see the sand. We could not. However, after she cut into the bottle with some scissors, the sand came pouring out. This was her explanation: You and I are all broken bottles, but as Christians, we frequently pretend to not have any cracks. However, when Christ (the sand) is in our lives, other people can't see Him if they just see our "perfection". However, if we're willing to show our brokenness, He can use our imperfections as a testimony for His glory.

I admit that I don't know how to do this. I don't have all the answers, and there are many obstacles to overcome. Fear of what others might think of me is probably the largest. Despite this, I feel a call to something deeper, something that can only be attained when I let go of pretending to be perfect.