People that have known me for years know that I am very hard on myself. I try not to let it show, but the people that know me, and have been around me for years have figured it out. Other people think I cause more problems than I can solve. Yes, in life, people need to be hard on themselves (to a certain extent) to achieve the goals they want to achieve in life. But there is a line that can easily be crossed, and when you become too hard on yourself, there are problems that can arise from it.

I am a perfectionist. It doesn't quite seem like it though, because I am also a big procrastinator. I procrastinate because if I try my hardest and it isn't perfect, or up to my standards, I beat myself up for it for days afterwards-sometimes even weeks. This also means that no matter what I do, or what I achieve, it's never enough for me. I always find something I did wrong and I blame myself and beat myself up for it. I don't recognize my own talents because I believe that everyone can do what I can, and that they can even do it better than I can.

I'm not hard on anyone but myself. If someone makes a mistake, I forgive them very easily. If I make a mistake, it's the end of the world. This also means that when someone gives me criticism, I feel even worse about myself. I hate it because I already know I did it wrong and chances are I'm already beating myself up for it, but now someone else is too. This does not mean that I don't want criticism. I want someone to tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I seek perfection, but I don't know what perfection is.

I never accept compliments. They make me uncomfortable and I believe the person giving me a compliment is lying to me. I am so hard on myself I don't see anything good about what I do, so I turn the credit onto something else. I never want to open up to anyone, because if I do, they'll know I am not as perfect as I want to be. Asking people for help makes me feel weak, and makes me think I can't handle anything myself, which causes me to beat myself up even more.

I hate disappointing anyone. I hate to let people see me fail, but when they expect something better of me, I want to make them proud. When I disappoint them, I know I've let them down, and I can't do anything about it. I feel responsible for other peoples happiness. If someone is sad, I believe I am the problem, or something I did is the problem. This also means I spend hours laying in bed at night thinking about everything I've ever done that has left me with regret, which turns out to be almost everything I've done.

People who are hard on themselves have a very similar vocabulary. Our favorite word is "Sorry." We apologize for everything. Even things that are no where near our fault, like traffic, or storms. I'm very aware of everything I do and say, and how it makes me look to everyone around me. I spend most of my time going back over what I said in a conversation and how I must have looked to the person I was talking to.

There are many other problems that arise from being too hard on yourself. Believe me, I know. Although I am too hard on myself, I can't stop it. Contrary to what people seem to believe, it's not very easy to change the way you think. I spend a lot of my time being frustrated for not reaching the overly high standards that I set for myself. I have not yet learned to live with these problems, but I am trying to figure out the best way to make this better for me. Hopefully I find it soon.