Figuring out who I am has always been hard for me. I have never really felt as though I belonged in any particular group or any particular place. Fitting in was something I longed for. This time last year I was really shy. I never went out; most of my free time was spent doing laid back activities on campus, and my idea of a spontaneous good time was going to the diner at 2 AM. Now, don't get me wrong, I cherish the memories I made while ordering my cheese quesadilla and fries for the 80th time, but I always felt as though I wanted more.
Among my group of friends freshman year, I was always told that I was the most outgoing of all of us. I was told that I was a clear extrovert against their introvertedness. I found this weird because they were always more apt to go out or to be with other people. It was hard for me to go out because I never felt as though I fit in or that I was wanted.
Fast forward to this year. Now I'm hardly ever alone. I go out every weekend and do things I never imagined myself doing this time last year. In a way, I feel as though I'm coming out of my shell, but at the same time I feel as though I'm going right back into it. Now that I have a social life, I feel as though more and more eyes are on me (which really doesn't help my anxiety in the slightest) and that sometimes I want to be alone. If I have learned anything over the course of the semester so far, it is that it is okay to be someone who parties and goes out, but that it is also okay to be the person who stays in. I'm happy in saying that I have the opportunity for both. I know that I have people in my life who I can trust to show me a good time and get me out of my own head for a little bit. On the other hand, I have people who I can chill with and relax. I am equally grateful for both.
I love going out and being social, but as time goes on, I don't feel the need to fit in or impress anymore. I've learned that I don't need to be among a large mass of people or known or popular; all I need is to surround myself with people who love me and who I trust. It's nice to know that even though I'm constantly changing, I can always keep a part of that's been there from the start.
