I’ve debated the idea of writing this over and over again in my mind over the past few months. I have examined the fact that I am on the path to recovery, and I know that doing so would just bring up memories of the past. I knew though that those memories would eventually come to mind no matter if I wrote this or not.
I wish I could mail you this or something, have you actually answer. I want your response. I want the truth. I want to know how anyone could actually believe such sins were rational. But I can’t. You won’t respond. I won’t be healthy if I sent such a thing, so I will write it here.
How dare you, my abuser, hurt me in such a way. How dare you believe that I was the right person to turn into your victim. You formed trust within a mind just to rip it to shreds. What would inspire you to do just an evil task?
Were you always so bitter? Were you always so capable of hurting others? I sit here wondering if I missed some important part of your past that pushed you to become this person. Did somebody manipulate your mind like you manipulated mine? Did you feel a similar pain? Were you good once, but someone tore you to pieces just like you harmed me?
I wonder if you are haunted by what occurred. I wonder if you feel guilty for having lied to people about what happened because I know that you remember every single moment and feeling clearly, probably better than I do. Are you simply numb and emotionless, or are your sins eating you from the inside out? Do you feel bad at all, or do you believe what you did was okay?
I wish I was strong enough to forgive you like some maybe be able to, but I really do not. I cannot move on, as I have to face the tremors of the trauma each day. It was an earthquake to my life. I will never be able to pretend like I have grown from the damage or that it has benefited my life. I am bitter. I am hurt.
I am not giving up though. I am not letting someone as horrible as you end my life, by ruining my mind. I am working hard to become better, at least to the point that I was before the incident.
You will not win. Did you really believe for a second that you would?
The Girl You Strangled