Being Someone's Doormat

Being Someone's Doormat

A Tragic but Eye Opening Experience
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It’s sometime in June of 2011, you’re on a long walk with her; going nowhere fast. The kiss of a sweet summer breeze caresses you and wafts some of her perfume straight to your olfactory cells. You love this about her, among other things of course. Things like her laugh, smile, the way her voice seemed to tickle your eardrums every time she spoke. You stride down a dimly light street, hand in hand, not a care in the world. She’s talking but you can’t hear a word. There’s a question on your mind and you just can’t seem to eradicate it. You make a decision; utter what you consider the most important words of your 16 years of existence. “Will you go out with me?”. As you speak its like an out of body experience. Like you’re watching someone else in a very intimate moment. You’re sucked back into your flesh suit, year ears are ringing. You just see her smile, you know the answer, but its not enough. You need to hear it. She embraces you, and you her. Intoxicated in the oxytocin fueled moment you feel like one being.

This is the beginning.

Rumors. She told you to not worry about them, but their reoccurrence and consistency has ignited your speculation. You ask her. Your question yields a defensive response. A defensive response produces yet another argument. Another bullshit argument you think. Why? Guess I’m not getting laid this week you think to yourself. You snicker at your own humor, not because you’re full of yourself, not yet at least. But because you’re the only person thats allowed to make you laugh anymore. You had forgone that right for her, in an effort to avoid what always happens. But you love her. You’d do anything for her. You’ve come this far so why end it now? This is how relationships work after all; sacrifices.

This is the middle.

The texts you found on her phone, pictures, Facebook messages, whatever else there is. You’ve opened Pandora’s box and couldn't feel more petrified. Nauseated by distress, your hands become cool and clammy, you start shaking, there’s an all too familiar crevasse where your stomach once was. You think you’ll vomit, or will you just start screaming? She’s sleeping now. Think damn it think! You put her phone down after one last reconnoissance mission to confirm what you saw was in fact real. You take a seat and breath in heavy. You realize how dry and cold the air is as it grazes your olfactory cells, it feels like you're inhaling sand. This time there’s no hit of perfume to straighten you out. The sun has set some time ago and darkness has begun to envelope you and the world you know. You place your head in your hands, you are alone.

This is the end.

Cover Image Credit: ADRIANHILLMAN VIA GETTY IMAGES

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A Letter To My Go-To Aunt

Happiness is having the best aunt in the world.
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I know I don't say it enough, so let me start off by saying thank you.

You'll never understand how incredibly blessed I am to have you in my life. You'll also never understand how special you are to me and how much I love you.

I can't thank you enough for countless days and nights at your house venting, and never being too busy when I need you. Thank you for the shopping days and always helping me find the best deals on the cutest clothes. For all the appointments I didn't want to go to by myself. Thank you for making two prom days and a graduation party days I could never forget. Thank you for being overprotective when it comes to the men in my life.

Most importantly, thank you for being my support system throughout the numerous highs and lows my life has brought me. Thank you for being honest even when it isn't what I want to hear. Thank you for always keeping my feet on the ground and keeping me sane when I feel like freaking out. Thank you for always supporting whatever dream I choose to chase that day. Thank you for being a second mom. Thank you for bringing me into your family and treating me like one of your own, for making me feel special because you do not have an obligation to spend time with me.

You've been my hero and role model from the time you came into my life. You don't know how to say no when family comes to you for help. You're understanding, kind, fun, full of life and you have the biggest heart. However, you're honest and strong and sometimes a little intimidating. No matter what will always have a special place in my heart.

There is no possible way to ever thank you for every thing you have done for me and will continue to do for me. Thank you for being you.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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All The Sorries We Should Have Said

Do you struggle saying "I'm sorry"? You're not alone.

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"I'm sorry."

It's two short words that I find incredibly hard to utter sometimes. I think many people struggle to get the words out, especially when they aren't exactly sure what else they want to say. For me, I hate saying I'm sorry if I don't have my thoughts collected if I haven't sifted through all my feelings and prepared a long speech on why I'm so sorry.

It's so much easier to forgive than it is to apologize. Even when I've wanted to apologize, there's something about actually doing it that chokes me up a bit or that makes me feel timid. Maybe it's a pride thing- no one wants to feel small or stupid. Recently I've been thinking about how I like forgiving more than I do apologizing, which is odd considering it's ridiculously hard for me to forget a past transgression, no matter how much I want to. That got me to thinking about how others forgive.

When I've hurt someone, when I've been out of line, and I finally muster up the strength to apologize, do they forgive and forget? Are they like me and try their hardest to push the past into the back of their minds? Did they think it was a half-assed attempt? I think for many of us we can be kind of oblivious to the pain we cause others, even if we don't mean to do any harm. We can be even more oblivious to how people respond to our apologies or lack thereof.

I know I've hurt people; I'm not a perfect person. That's no excuse, it's just the truth- no one is perfect. We've all messed up many times before, we've betrayed people's trust, we've let people down, and the list can go on and on. I often wonder if I've given the proper apologies, though. I wonder if people felt my remorse if they accepted my "I'm sorry?"

To the people I've let down- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you high hopes just to let them crash and burn. I'm sorry I didn't carry my own weight.

To the people I've turned my back on- I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't stick by your side, that I didn't keep my promise to be there for you.

To the people I've been icy with- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you the cold shoulder, for making a biting remark when I was in a mood, for treating coldly and being distant. You didn't deserve that, not then and not ever.

To the people who forgave me- thank you. I'm sorry I gave you any reason to have to forgive me at all.

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