In recent years, my hatred for Valentine's Day has grown immensely. From the over-sized teddy bears to those disgusting candy hearts that taste like chalk and are decorated with simple-minded, stupid messages like "U R MINE," this superficial, consumerist holiday has ruined February for me.
As I have become increasingly bitter—as bitter as an aging, unsatisfied racist—I have realized that I'm too young to be this sour. I'm too young to spend my Saturday night filling a once full, now empty pint of Ben & Jerry's with salty tears while screaming at Rose and her devastating blindness (everyone knows that door was big enough. Everyone but you, Rose!).
No longer wanting to spend my Valentine's Day like the sad sack of a single woman that I am, I pledge to myself—because I currently have no significant other or interested suitors—to be my own Valentine this year.
That's right, St. Valentine! Your irritating day of showering each other with grandiose balderdash of flowery, pompous Public Displays of Affection, this day is now being infiltrated by the savage, ravenous warriors that our current society has labeled "the single folk." I—the most single of the single folk—will be leading the revolution of reinventing this Hallmark holiday as a day to love yourself. Damn right.
I will buy myself an embarrassingly massive box of chocolates adorned with a cheesy, corny, mushy, gooey, syrupy card featuring two, starry-eyed squirrels proclaiming that they in fact are "NUTS" for each other and will then proceed to take myself out to a pleasant and romantic dinner and will order something not too expensive because I'm on a budget. I will treat myself because I am now finally taking a stab at this whole love-yourself thing.
Rather than sulking in my single woman rage like I typically do during this forsaken time of year, I am using this unfavorable holiday to learn how to love myself. I can guarantee that I will not figure it out in one night, but perhaps this one lonely inspiring night of new-found, respectable independence will mark the beginning of my own "Eat Pray Love."
So step aside, Julia Roberts! Slide it on back, all of you beautiful yet envy-invoking couples! Because this newly refined, emotionally mature, freshly made fierce, self-loving, beautiful fool of a woman (that's me!) has now arrived! And she is as independent and as proud as she has ever been.
Happy Love Yourself Day, my fellow single compatriots! And Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Don't waste this day. It's the best excuse to be crazy in love with whomever you choose, even if that person is yourself. Love responsibly.
