If you were to ask me what my most prominent trait is, I would say it is my cynicism. I am one of the most cynical people you will ever meet, and on top of that, I'm a hardcore realist and pessimist. In short, I'm not the most emotionally soft of humans. If you are looking for a sunshine and rainbows type of person, look no further than very far away from me. I can tell you right away that I am not the person for you. I can also tell you that you most likely will not be a fan of this article (possibly myself as well).
It's hard for me sometimes, being the way I am. All of my previously mentioned "negative" qualities make it hard for me to emotionally connect to things. Where most others are ruled by their hearts, I am ruled by my mind. While I don't see it as a bad thing, it definitely can put people off. I have unpopular opinions and views that, when stated, noticeably make people uncomfortable. I can tell that they think I am cold and stone-hearted. In return, I find them soft and foolish for being controlled by their emotions.
Being around such people makes me feel like I'm unnatural and alien to their world. I just don't fit in, not completely. I see these people who are so easily affected by things — things that sometimes have no direct connection to themselves — and I am baffled. I don't understand it. I don't even know where to begin to understand them.
For example, (and this is going to make me sound like a terrible person, but so be it) I don't see why people care about death outside of their family or close friends. Murders, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, freak accidents — I hear about them constantly, and while everyone else is grieving for people they don't know, I'm just sitting there. I sit there and think to myself, "OK, and? Death happens, this isn't new. I didn't know those people." I sit there and think to myself, "Is there something wrong with me?"
I don't know why I am the way I am, but the way that I am makes me not care. I can't make myself care about the death or problems of someone I'm not close to. To be honest, I doubt I would grieve very long even if someone close to me died. I would cry, yes. I would miss them dearly, but I believe the acceptance phase would come about much faster for me.
I know I seem cruel to you. I know I seem like a robot. I know that I don't seem human. I don't know how many times I've been called heartless. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am heartless. Usually, that wouldn't faze me. I love who I am, and I've accepted that I'll likely never belong 100 percent, but some days — some days I wonder if being myself is all that great.
