We all know that feeling — standing there in a crowd, looking around and you really just don’t fit in. You feel like everyone is staring at you. You look for that one person you can stand near that may help you blend. Being in college at this point in your life is ridiculous, especially since your oldest child is graduating before you. Here is my perspective of today’s youth as a college student.

1. What the hell is wrong with you?

You are not the odd girl. You are the seasoned woman. Let’s face it; they don’t accept you because you look like their mother. Being older is not an advantage in college. You’re not a professor; you’re a student, and they can’t figure out why you are there. Why do they always think you know all the answers? I haven’t been in school since you were born; I literally know nothing. When you hear them talk you just want to ask them “what the hell is wrong with you?”

2. My RBF is better than you ever imagined

That’s so funny. You think you can stare at me and scare me, little girl. I have scared my children with this face since they were in diapers. That eye roll is so obvious; I have threatened to knock my children’s eyes in the back of their heads for less. Your attitude doesn’t faze me; mine is worse that you could ever dream. I just hide it well.

3. What are you wearing?

I am pretty sure they wore that in the strip club in the '90s. I say that almost daily. Right around the time you were born, we wore jeans with the knees cut out — not whole asses — and band tees. Daily, I live in fear and run to pick something you dropped for fear that if you bend over to pick something up, your vagina or boobs will fall out. Or that your clothes may actually rip and cause a fire from friction. I really do worry that the friction you create with the tightness of that clothing will catch fire and set you ablaze. I’m sorry, dear, I am not brave enough to tackle you to help smother the flames, but I will find the nearest fire extinguisher or a room with a sprinkler system to drag you into.

4. Wannabe mean girls

I didn’t realize I entered high school and have to ward off the mean girls all over again. Do you realize you are like toddlers to me? Actually the mean girls left me alone. I am really not sure why, but it’s probably because I have mastered the art of sarcasm. I can hurt your soul with few words. You calling me “old” or “tired” has no weight. I have lived a lot longer and have had less sleep in the last 22 years than you have in your entire life. Be aware that I may not have had enough coffee today and approach carefully.

5. Wine and cupcakes

You want to buy my friendship? Wine and cupcakes are the top two things to provide me. How do I put up with the constant requests for you to cheat off my papers? How can I stand to look at your lack of class in clothing? How do I not “catch a charge” because you are not my child and I can’t smack the taste out of your mouth? I too have those same mental breakdowns when it's finals week or that stupid five-page paper is due and the topic is “dirt." Who the hell can write that much about nothing on the day before it is due? I can with wine and cupcakes.