October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Being in an abusive relationship doesn't just mean a boyfriend physically hurts you, it can be emotional and it can even be with someone who isn't your significant other. The definition of a domestic relationship includes someone you live with, someone you are in a relationship with or someone that you have had a child with. While the relationship I was in wasn't physically abusive, it still had a serious impact on me and affects me to this day.
Young love is naive, you think that no matter what your partner does they are doing it out of love. This could not be farther from the truth; love should not hurt, love is not jealous, love should be innocent. My boyfriend was my first serious relationship, so I was new to love and thought that I knew everything there was to know about relationships. I saw his jealousy as him caring too much, his harsh words as him just having a bad day, and I thought girlfriends were supposed to submit to their boyfriends and do whatever he asked of you because that is love, right?
Hearing those harsh words repeated so often made me start to believe them. I honestly thought I was a piece of meat, a sex object, useless besides for my body. He conditioned me to believe these things through repetition and power. I told myself that he loved me, everything he did was in my best interest but I was wrong. Your partner should not tell you that you're worthless, make you feel like if you didn't have him you wouldn't have anything, that without him you are nothing.
Now that I am out of that relationship I see the serious problems he left me with. I think that if a guy is rude or blatantly mean to me that it means he is interested in me. When someone tells me they are only interested in me for my body I see it as normal, a compliment even. But this isn't how people should think about relationships. Relationships are supposed to make you happy, they're supposed to be with someone that you can completely be yourself with. You should not feel ashamed about anything around them.
I'm still learning how to love myself properly. I still have days where I can't even look in the mirror because I hate the person staring back at me. But I don't let his words control me anymore, I know that what he told me isn't true and that I am worth more. I try to put myself first in relationships, and if I don't like something I speak up because I matter despite all he made me believe.
Relearning how to love yourself can be very difficult, but I am willing to take the time on myself because I am worth it. His words weren't true and I am not going to live by them any longer.
