Being Hannah Baker

IMPORTANT: This article puts emphasis on the importance of friendship and human contact in suicide prevention; however, this cannot in any way, shape or form replace professional help. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger please report to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255

Netflix's most recent original show, "13 Reasons Why", has been the subject of heated discussions for the past week, as it openly talks about suicide.

Suicide is one of those taboo topics, those that we should never touch, that we never really feel allowed to discuss in public... unless we have been through it. Unless we go through it everyday.

Then, things change. When you feel suicidal, you either lock yourself up with the safest measures, deeming your grief inaccessible to anyone... or you scream it, you write it, you would even wear it, for all you care. But no one seems to hear it.

Hannah Baker, the main character in "13 Reasons Why", tried it all. She tried writing about it, being vocal about it, asking for help, but no one would listen. And as I read the book that inspired the show, when I was in high school, and watched the show itself, I couldn't help but compare her story to mine. Because I, in a way, am Hannah Baker.

I have been Hannah Baker many times.

I have been Hannah Baker when I started wearing short sleeves to school, the fresh signs of self-harm showing in my arms, because I was desperate for someone to ask me if there was something wrong. Nobody did.

I have been Hannah Baker all the times I ran to the bathroom during a class period because I was overwhelmed and I needed to cry. The bathroom was full of girls, yet not one would say a thing.

I have been Hannah Baker when I would fall asleep in class, and my teachers would call me out on it, my classmates make fun of me: nobody would wonder what it was that had kept me up all night.

I have been Hannah Baker when I came back to school, after being gone for a month, and nobody said a word. Nobody bothered to ask if I was okay, what was it that kept me out of class for that long: me of all people, given how much I cared about school.

And that was the beginning of the end.

I am Hannah Baker everyday, when the alarm rings and my first thought is, "Why would I wanna do this?".

I am Hannah Baker when my depression wins, and I stay in bed all day, crying about the failure that I am and all the things I could have done instead.

I am Hannah Baker when I find the strength, the immense amount of strength, believe it or not, that it takes me to get up and leave the sad comfort of my room, get dressed, hold back the tears, wear a smile and go on about my day.

I am Hannah Baker when I count the hours left until I can go home and collapse into my bed, exhausted, because it takes an even bigger amount of strength to carry yourself through a day with no motivation whatsoever.

I am Hannah Baker when everybody looks through me.

Does nobody see through my fake smiles? Or is it that, because I am open about my struggles, they do not seem as real? Or is it simply that, as "13 Reasons Why" shows... people just do not care?

"If you are looking all over for the signs, it looks like nothing." Hannah says. And she is right: screw the warning signs, suicide prevention and all of that. It really does look like nothing. It looks like the emptiness that every suicidal person tries to cover up everyday, and we are either all extremely good at it or people just don't care.

If you are one of the people that care... don't just share suicide prevention pictures on Facebook. Don't wear yellow, purple or whatever the color is, I honestly forget, and I out of all people should remember. You can do more.

Look for Hannah Baker.

She is everywhere. And careful... you don't have to save her alone. But she doesn't have to die.

She's in the girl that never comes to class and always hangs out in her room. She's in the guy who's only eaten a couple bites of his lunch. She's in the girl you always see doing her homework at 3 in the morning, she's in the late assignments and missed practices. Hannah Baker is not in the big things. You won't see her wearing a suicide prevention t-shirt and waving a flag at you. Likelihood is... you won't see her at all. She's good as making sure she stays invisible.

You have to look for her. And once you find her... if you truly wanna make a difference, you have to help her.

Be her friend. Help her carry her books. Ask her how her day is, and why she couldn't be in class yesterday; offer her to borrow your notes, and meet you in the library to catch up. Buy her a cupcake and watch her fill her face with sprinkles. Get a smile out of her.

She'll remember.

Write her a note. Tell her it's okay to ask for help, and you'll be there; leave her number. She'll push you away, don't fall for it. Don't pressure her, but stay. Just... stay.

And when she thinks it's over, when the thinks she's done... she'll remember. We always remember. And if you stay for her, she'll stay for you.

"It has to get better. The way we treat each other, the way we act to each other... it has to get better somehow." [Clay, 13 Reasons Why]

IMPORTANT: This article puts emphasis on the importance of friendship and human contact in suicide prevention; however, this cannot in any way, shape or form replace professional help. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger please report to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255