In the last year or so, I have longed for a boyfriend. I feel ready now more than ever, but still, not a single fish has taken the bait. Due to this lack of attention, I have begun questioning who I am.
The first answer that comes to mind is that I am fat. It’s true, I am a larger woman. I know that I have a habit of picking icecream over brussels sprouts. I am fully aware of what I look like. However, this further look into who I am has led me to some highly disappointing observations. In order to explain this, I would like to start with a story.
Last summer, I ventured to Panama City Beach with my best friend. I mean, I am not going to lie, she is a toothpick. Meanwhile, I am probably the whole tree trunk. (This is a lighthearted joke, please laugh). After soaking up some much needed sun, she had the idea of using a plethora of hashtags on her bikini picture when she posted it on Instagram. She was hoping somebody else in PCB would hit us up to hang out that night. Man have I ever seen so many fish going after the same bait and hook.
Upon meeting this new boy (this word was used purposefully), I introduced myself although, I knew he was there for my friend. He returned my words with a semi-smile. As the night began, I did most of the talking because I am usually the outgoing joker of the group. Every single time I said a word, he did not acknowledge me. Suddenly, I realized that my presence was not welcomed. I began to trail back a bit (as I normally do when I feel uncomfortable) and neither of them noticed I wasn’t there for a few minutes.
Let’s tell two stories for the heck of it.
A few weeks after the first story, the same friend and I had walked into Dunkin Donuts to get some coffee. When we walked in, a guy working said “here comes my two best friends”, which apparently just went with whatever he and a co-worker were talking about. I began to play along until he completely shut me out. All of a sudden, my friend was the showcase of the room as the guys all vowed for her attention.
I don’t tell these stories for pity. I tell them to make a point. In this world, unless you are a gorgeous model, you are only looked at for one thing: sex. And when you aren’t putting that on the table, you are completely useless unless you are smart and someone needs your help in class.
Sometimes, things aren’t as harsh as I described above. I must really be in a real life example type of mood because here comes story number three.
One of my best guy friends, I will admit, is pretty attractive. All of the ladies go after him. I actually met him through another friend, so before we actually met in person, we texted and snapchatted. He liked me and I him. Then, the day we met in person, his opinion changed. He said “I am a great person, but he doesn’t like me like that.” Hmm, what a big surprise. Months went by without seeing one another since I was away at college, and one day, he had snapped me. He seemed to be hardcore flirting, and then randomly asked me if I had been working out yet. Nope. Nada. I never mentioned that I would be working out. I assume (and maybe I am wrong) that he was hoping the chunk had left the building. I am sorry, my friend, but he is still here. Of course, all has been forgiven and whatnot, so no, I am not friends with a complete jerk. (Only a half one…. just kidding).
I do understand that every man is attracted to different features in a woman. I get that. I know that some want a fit woman and it is at the top of the list. I also know that looks shouldn’t be the only priority. The fact that some guys only don’t want to date me for that very reason sickens me so much. Sure, I can have a good heart, funny jokes, drive, personality, a grounded nature, a relationship with God, and so much more, but uh oh, I also have fat so now that is a no deal! Darn, I was so close!
I know that I could eat healthier and workout more, but I want to do these things on my terms. I want to be happy with myself. I feel that happiness until I constantly get rejected for not being skinny enough to go on a magazine. I shouldn’t have to change myself to fit into the world. That isn’t happening.
I found this quote on Pinterest recently, and it seriously breaks my heart. I almost find it hard to post because it shows the confidence I lack due to the problems I have faced in the past for being fat.
“I wonder what it’s like to wake up and love yourself, to look in the mirror and not want to cry, to weigh yourself, see the number, and not want to puke, to be with friends and not feel ugly, to go into public and not be insecure, to go shopping for clothes and not feel fat, I just wonder what it’s like to love your life.”
This is only my story, but I am not the only one struggling with acceptance because our bodies look different than others.
For anyone out there struggling today with their weight, remember how beautiful you are. Someday, someone will sweep you off your feet for the right reasons. Don't change who you are to get the attention of someone who won't appreciate the real you. It starts with loving yourself and being okay with the beautiful person that you are.