Introvert. That was me every year in middle school and every year in high school. Do you want to know how many parties I went to in middle school? Two. Both of which were cast parties for whatever musical I was in at the time. Oh, and high school? Yeah, that party count rounds to a big old zero. Every time I was invited to a party, (which let’s be honest, was probably only about three times) I’d be so excited up until the anxiety kicked in just as it was time to leave. I’d make up some bull excuse as to why I wasn’t able to attend a sweaty gathering full of teenagers who bump and grind to the same old boring songs while thinking they’re all that and a bag of chips because they stole lukewarm beer from their parents' basements.

Then, you get to the high school parties--only a small step up from the “lukewarm-beer-get-togethers” of middle school. Most of the parties, (not all, but most) end with drama, fights, kids claiming they aren’t drunk and proceeding to get behind the wheel. It’s all just a big jumble of trouble that I don’t want to be involved in.

Any time that I was put into a social situation, I’d always feel like the black sheep. People would be carrying on conversations and I’d just be sitting there in the corner observing and overthinking. It didn’t matter if I knew the people I was supposed to be socializing with, for example; family, or if they were strangers who had yet to get an idea of who I was. I never felt comfortable or like I could be myself. For that; I blame the oh-so-wonderful middle school years where everyone thinks they have the right to tell you who you are, what you should be, and what you should think about yourself. All those misconceptions of me and everything negative that had ever been said about me would circle my brain and make me think like everything I would say is irrelevant or "weird". I felt this way constantly...until I turned 19.

When I turned 19, I went from an introvert to an extroverted introvert. I still find myself preferring to be by myself rather than socializing. I still overthink when surrounded by a group of people wanting to conversate. But now I have days when all of that goes away. I can actually carry on a conversation and laugh without thinking that I’m laughing too loud. I actually begin to enjoy being social and having a fun time. Then, the next day I go back to just wanting to be on my own. It’s heads or tails with me now. Except, it’s like a four sided quarter that has three tails (introvert) and one head, (extrovert.) There's this little voice in my head trying to counteract all the previous negative thoughts that went along with the socializing previously; it's like a tug-of-war, you never know which side is going to win.

I hope that one day I can be that girl that doesn’t overthink every little aspect of every social situation. But, there’s also a part of me that knows that it’s okay not to want to socialize every weekend. Sometimes a blanket, a puppy, and a movie marathon are all the socializing I need for that weekend. *Cue that scene of Spongebob where his only friends are a penny, a chip, and a used napkin.*