So you want to know the secret to crying in public, eh? Well, my friend, you have come to the right place! If you have ever been embarrassed or even, dare I say, ashamed of the fact that you aren’t all that discreet about your over-active tear ducts, then this article is about to change your life. Here you will find Avery Ferin’s tell-all guide to perfecting the good ol’ fashioned “public cry.” Now, if you know me on a more personal level, you know how much of a crier I am and how un-ashamed I am about that fact. Mostly this is because I have cried so many times in front of complete strangers that it doesn’t even faze me anymore when it happens, but it’s also because I have grown to accept the fact that everybody cries. Let me say that again so that it sinks in.
Everybody cries!
So without further ado, here is my master list on how to become a professional crier: public edition.
1. Invest in a pair of generously oversized sunglasses.
Not only are they extremely fashionable, they are also perfect incognito shields. I guarantee Mary-Kate and/or Ashley Olsen has utilized this little trick once or twice, and if they can do it, you sure as hell can too.
2. When using public transportation, arm yourself with the latest tear-jerker.
Of course, the mode of travel is something you might have to take into consideration when choosing your materials. For example, if you find yourself on an airplane and suddenly, oh god, here come the waterworks, consider buying an in-flight movie. Or if you’re at home and you don’t have the time or space or funds for an entire film, try creating a video montage of all the saddest parts. Play this on any screen on repeat. Some of my personal favorites that never fail to make me sob like an infant are "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas," "Stand By Me," "The Green Mile," and "Requiem for a Dream." They might even make the person next to you cry, too. If you’re like me and books tend to bring the tears quicker than movies, try reading "The Art of Racing in the Rain" or "The Time Traveller's Wife" or literally any Nicholas Sparks book ever written. If all else fails, just put in your earbuds and crank up the volume to “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver or maybe Jeff Buckley’s version of “Hallelujah.” Or if you’re really looking to shed some tears, “Lua” or “Poison Oak” by Bright Eyes. Done.
3. Do not underestimate crying in numbers.
One person crying is awkward tragedy. A room of people crying is catharsis. Plus, when everyone is crying, nobody has the time or energy to ask you why you are crying. Every experienced crier knows all too well that having to answer that dreaded question just brings more tears. And that awkward choking/short breath nonsense. And snot. It’s not pretty.
4. Perfect the silent cry.
Train your shoulders to be statues. If this is too hard for you and you aren’t actually made of marble, try to time your sobs to the radio beat. Call it rhythm.
5. If you wear make-up, invest in a really good tube of waterproof mascara.
This is your golden ticket to crying in public, trust me. If you have already tried this method and it still wasn’t able to withstand your waves of emotion, at that point, you should probably just consider incorporating the dark smudges into performance art or something.
6. Remember: bathrooms echo.
7. People will turn their bodies away from you. Pretend they are not ashamed of your honesty.
This is an act of abandonment. Everyone tends to act so appalled by the act of crying which, personally, I find to be quite astonishing. Whenever I see somebody crying in a public situation, my initial reaction has never been, “Oh my God, what the hell is this chick doing? Walk away, just walk away. Maybe if I walk away fast enough she won’t infect me with her sorrow and stain my shirt with her tears.” Crying is such a normal human function and it honestly disgusts me how society has turned it into a sign of automatic weakness. Tears are a way for the body to let go of the weight that life tends to pack on top of you. Stop cry-shaming. Just don’t do it, m’kay?
8. If someone collects themselves enough to ask if you’re all right, say exactly this.
“I am teaching myself how to rain. My heart was drowning, now it can gasp again. The world looks softer through water. I just don’t know how not to be honest.” Or say absolutely nothing at all. You do not need to provide an explanation for your emotions. These things you are feeling are not, under any circumstance, invalid just because the act of expressing them might make someone “uncomfortable.”
So do you see what I mean? It doesn’t matter where you are, who you’re with, or even how many people are around! Crying in public is a breeze! All you have to do is wear those puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks, and that cute little Rudolph-red nose with confidence and I promise you everything will be alright. But above all, don’t ever feel the inclination to stifle your feelings because your pride keeps getting in the way. If you’re a woman, ignore that stereotype that all females who “cry too much” are nothing more than emotional, fragile psychopaths. As for all my men out there, please do not play into the whole “men who aren’t afraid to cry aren’t even men at all, they’re girls” sentiment. First of all, that’s sexist as hell. Second, it’s just a blatant lie. Your worth is not directly related to the number of times you cry in a week, day, hour, etc. So go out there and drown the world with your tear ducts.
It’s about damn time you do!
