At every fraternity formal, you’re going to see a poor nice girl who’s still sober at 10 a.m. on Saturday. Since boys have the communication abilities of a parrot, it’s understandable how these first-time formal dates fail. How could they know better when all their date told them was “We’re going somewhere in the mountains. You should come and bring a suit.”
Since I was one of these pathetic novices who had no idea how to prepare or act for my first formal season, I think it’s time a washed-up senior helps out all the budding frat rats in training. Here’s a comprehensive guide to formal-ing properly:
How to Prepare
When it comes to packing, less is more. There’s a good chance your date doesn’t have enough space in his car for all the people he promised a ride to, so don’t be that girl that shows up with a rollaway suitcase. All you need is two swimsuits, a set of heels, a pair of leggings and a dress. Leave the rest of the space in your duffel for party supplies. Also, you’ll both need a big gulp from 7-Eleven for the pool. And don’t forget hangover supplies, either. Bringing bottled water is a must, because who would dare drink from the tap in Aspen?
Friday Night
After a somewhat tedious drive in the car where you have to make BS Panhellenic conversation with your new formal roommate, you’ll finally arrive at the resort. Typically people will head straight to the pool with their Big Gulps, bathrobe and dignity in hand. Typically, people lose all three. There’s a lot of making out and groping during this portion of the weekend. If you’re not going to hook up with your date, now is a great time to make that exceptionally clear by avoiding him like Ebola.
Saturday Morning
If you thought tailgate season had you well-versed in how to party, you were sorely mistaken. Unlike tailgates, people at formal will start screaming in the hallways around 7 a.m. and will be peer-pressuring you into a liquor bong by 8 a.m. Don’t panic, it all somehow works out. By 10 or 11 a.m. people begin descending into the pool, where the best 2 hours of your life is about to occur. Expect a lot of splashing, screaming and fallen tube tops.
Saturday Afternoon
This is that unspoken time when no one really knows what the hell is going on. There’s a lot of sleeping, there’s a lot of hooking up, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
Saturday Night
This is the time when everyone somehow gets their life together. Girls manage to look shockingly good and the hotel staff forgives the fraternity for all of their grievances throughout the weekend because they’re impressed that the boys pull. Typically you’ll have a buffet in the hotel with unreal food. Take full advantage, because it’s probably the first time you’ve seen food since Friday night.
Sunday Morning
Without a doubt, this is the worst part of formal. You’ll wake up disgruntled, embarrassed, and needing to check out in 4 minutes. Throw your life in a bag if you can find it, steal someone’s bathrobes so your room has two, and get the hell back on the road before your date reads his room charges.
Good luck 96ers.
