*WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAKES JOKES ABOUT POLITICAL CANDIDATES, SOME OF WHICH YOU MAY SUPPORT. IF YOU ARE A LITTLE WHINY BABY AND NEED YOUR DIAPER CHANGED, OR IF YOU JUST HATE HUMOR, THEN DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE!*
I've been doing research. I've been doing research for 75 years, asking myself...
..."Why?"
And the answer never changes. The virgins in the lab have given me results that test my patience for mankind. I have formulated all of my studies, published in such prestigious journals as "Oxford University Press" and "Better Homes and Gardens." Now I'm here to share my discoveries with you, and maybe, just maybe, I can find out why we as a species are bitterly, utterly, absolutely, and majorly screwed.
We'l begin today's show by checking in on the Faith-In-Humanity-O-Meter:
As you can tell from the data, our species has not saved itself yet. But I've had my researchers locked in a meat freezer for about three days now trying to figure out just why this data is so negative. When they're not yammering on about "their families" or "freedom" or "dying of starvation", they can come up with some pretty solid results. And their data has concluded that a new, previously missing compound, has entered into the chain of human existence.
This element consists of a very specific set of elements...clowns.
Clowns. *Dies internally*
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WORLD? IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE? YOU TRYING TO PULL THE WOOL OVER OL' ADAM'S EYES NOW, IS THAT IT? IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT YOU SONS OF B*TCHES????
*Deep breaths* I'm...I'm sorry. Let's get back to the issue.
But wait a minute...there's already a million of them!
The American government has been spying on its own people for decades now, thanks to a law that most citizens probably don't know exists. We spend more on military than the next seven countries combined. Our government banned a whistleblower from the country for, guess what, exposing its corruption. Our two leading choices for president are a xenophobic maniac whose solution to illegal immigration is to build a wall that will only increase the size of the ladder market, and a cold ice-witch whose career in American politics lead to wasteful spending on an unnecessary war as a "business opportunity."
But oh no, clowns are scary, and we gotta focus in on this issue. Like Hillary's hired assassin focused his scope on the guy who exposed her email scandal, only with more face paint (I told you there'd be jokes, folks).
This whole "clown craze" began in the summer of 2016 in South Carolina, as people dressed as clowns were supposedly trying to "lure children into the woods." That sounds scary, sure, but no pictures were taken of these "clowns", and the state seems to be the only one calming down on the craze now. Then, like an infernal case of herpes, clown sightings went viral across America. Sure, a few photos are being taken now, but there have been little to no incidents of violence regarding these clowns. And yet, this issue with little to no basis of legitimate fear has taken precedence (see what I did there? Like...the campaign for office? No you shut up!) over actual issues that will, sooner or later, affect everyone in this nation.
It's fun to obsess over little things, like TV fandom, or movie fandom, or airplane instruction videos from the 80's. I get it guys, I like to have fun too and that's okay. But this...
They're literally, not hypothetically, not possibly, clowns. Clowns! As in, you laugh at them. Also, not sure if you remember, but if you see a clown along the road at night when you're driving, you have the advantage. Why?
You are in a moving, 4-ton steel machine; a machine that kills more people on average per year than, you guessed it, clowns do. Except for when Marbles the Clown killed little Timmy's childhood when he snuck off with Timmy's mom, clowns actually aren't that murderous. I love my country, all right? I love people! They're fun to laugh at - I mean, laugh with. I write my articles to give everyone some laughs and goofs, and then we can all go our separate ways. It's what I do, it's what I love. But sometimes, and by "sometimes" I mean "all the time", I have to sit by the windowsill, watching the world go mad, and ask myself....
..."What if?"
What, that wasn't inspirational of a quote for you? You expecting some better quote? That was freaking beautiful, ya jerks.
I'll see you next week with some more laughs and goofs, but until then...
