You never were much of a happy girl; life taught you early on that this world is rampant with deception, abuse and trauma. You felt the brunt of the adults' pain in your life, lashed out upon you, but you didn't know that any other life existed. The normalcy you faced was tragedy in other's eyes, yet you were unaware that there was anything else out there to offer. As a child, you trust the things that the grown-ups in your life say; true or false, you have faith in them to guide you.

They didn't guide you, though. They neglected you, abused one another in front of you, screamed, attacked verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally. You simply believed that life equalled pain and suffering. Your only solace was your imagination. From a young age you were filled with dreams of writing books, of becoming a therapist and helping other people who hurt the same way you did; perhaps that would help you hurt less, too. You dreamt of being the kind of mommy that you saw in sitcoms. You would be sure that your children always knew they could trust you and you'd be their best friend no matter what.

Since you were so very young, you believed that the only way to escape pain was to find a way for your mind to avoid reality. In the beginning the daydreams, the journaling, the reading, was enough. As you grew older and began to realize that the life you lived was not normal at all, though, it became more difficult to escape. You started out with cutting and anorexia and it eventually escalated to filling the void with sex, alcohol, pills, pot; anything that made you forget reality for awhile.

Years later you somehow woke up and found yourself the mother of two daughters who didn't have fathers; one had died of a heroin overdose, the other had been deported to Israel for a heroin relapse while on probation during your pregnancy. You'd faced losing your sister and father to drugs. You had lost two pregnancies; one of them at 14 weeks and very graphically traumatic. The level of mental, sexual and physical abuse you'd endured by then had all built up inside of you like a volcano ready to erupt and shatter you into a million pieces. After all of the trauma of 27 years, you were left trying to face it all, without any of your old vices.

You do the counseling, you take the medications, you fight the demons day after day. So, how are people still taking advantage of you constantly with your silent permission? How is it still a struggle just to wake up? How can you help your daughters stop the cycle of having to recover from their childhood; the way you're still nearly paralyzed in your attempt to do so now? When did it get to the point of considering a domestic violence shelter for the second time; from a different person in your life who is so toxic?

There was a time that despite all the damage you had inside of you, there was still a fire and a fierce motivation to fulfill those dreams of the broken little girl you once were, just trying to escape, by believing in better days. You could still see yourself writing those books, going back to school and becoming a therapist, being a boss at this whole mommy thing; ensuring that these two girls would always have you to rely on. What happens, though, when you stop believing you can rely on you?

What was the breaking point? What caused you to snap? When did the flame inside burn out? What dulled your shine? It's easy to see that the world stole pieces of you, bit by broken bit, until there was hardly any of you left.

Well, I'm here to reassure you that the light inside of you still exists, you broken girl, you broken woman. You need to let the outward factors that have crushed you for 27 years stop robbing you of that. Forgive the ones who never asked; the ones who don't deserve it, and forgive them for you; because you deserve it. Let go of words you believed to be true about yourself; lies spewed out of jealousy, bitterness, resentment or pure cruelty. Remember, my dear, that you've got a big heart and a beautiful mind that they could never fathom or understand, because they've sadly chosen not to be open to love and peace in this life. So, be the bigger person, be the mature one, be the one who gives calm amidst disaster, be the light you know you can be. Be strong so that you can teach your daughters strength, and to prove to yourself that you ARE strength.

Also, know that when you truly can not hold it together on your own, it's okay not to feel okay at times. It's alright, and even necessary, to lean on others and ask for help when you need it. When some may lie, steal, cheat and hurt you; turn to the ones who love you so intensely that they will help to be a reminder of just how brightly you truly do shine.