I am about to publish a very personal letter/text that I wrote to someone, and I have mentioned before that I was going to publish it after I sent it, yeah I know damn well I should not be publishing this, but I am going too anyways, and at the end I am going to write more of my side of the story and the outcome of the situation.
"Before we go our separate ways, I need to get some things off of my chest, about you. Things I have carried around for about four years. Back then, I was too damn weak and scared to speak up, don't get me wrong, I'm scared shitless, and I'm about to have a heart attack, but now, I honestly don't care. I mean I do, but at the same time I can't. You know what I mean?
I'm not sure how you will take this, and I hope you take it in a good way, but again it's not my responsibility to how you take it.
Like it's time I speak up. Speak up for myself. Speak up for whatever. Again, if you take this in the wrong way, I'm so sorry, and I shouldn't be, but I am.
So now it comes down to me being honest, shit I'm not gonna lie, this is hard, but it's time. I'm an adult now. It's time. I've waited and waited and always said by the time I was 18-19, I'd be honest with you. Remember back summer 15, when we were supposed to i don't know like talk and I chickened the out, I regretted that everyday after that, but I moved that date up to now.
I'll be honest with you I know that I like you, like a lot. I don't understand why. Let me be frank here, I have tried to have my fair share of relationships to "move on" but something always brought me back to you, I don't know what. I've even tried surpressing it with alcohol, all that did was turn me into a recovering alcoholic, sad to say but I said I'm being honest. You have no idea, how many times I had to block you before I'd drink to not drunk dial you, you have no idea what it is like to lock yourself in the bathroom and sit there on the floor and leave your phone in another room telling everyone "I'm going to sleep." I never wanted to bother you. I eventually stopped a few months later, and filled those voids with writing. I've got two articles about you, and a bunch of drafts. I never stalked you, I have no reason too, and wouldn't do that to anyone, especially not to you. I chose you over my bestfriend at the time, because she was the one doing it to you, and that was wrong in my eyes. Because no one messes with you and gets away with it. I knew it was probably stressing you out to the max, and I couldn't stand the thought of that. Okay? I chose you over my bestfriend at the time too, because of her putting the stickers on your car, again no one messes with you and gets away with it. Like man you have no idea. Not one. There were people shit talking you at church, I made them stop, and honestly stopped going for awhile. Like I got up and left that room and sat outside until it was time to go.
I've chosen you, over a lot of people. It may not bother you, but it bothers me when people start shit talking you, or fucking with you.
To each of your exes that let you go, well damn they lost something great, that's all I can say.
At the time we met, I was going through some shit, I'll be the first to tell you, I was on a bad path, a really really bad one. I honestly think you drug me back from the depths of hell somehow. First impressions are strong, and you made yours, but let me be honest here, I "crushed" on you for weeks, I thought it was going away but it didn't. I mean honestly if you haven't been able to see it before now then I don't know what to tell you. I literally have tried everything but again like I said something always brought me back to you. I tried everything. I hid my feelings for as long as I could, honestly until it started becoming noticeable, and I started trying to stay away from you. I started writing and traveling to fill voids. I could go on and on and tell you things my mother has said that you've done, and said, with you visiting Kroger, and everything else, but you know that's pointless because I don't even know if they're true. She's lied to me a lot, and I've been lied to and betrayed so many times by so many people that I don't know who to believe anymore. Like any other though, I trust you and I always have, I've never been proven wrong yet either. I was going to request to talk to you in 2016 but I just dropped it. But one thing I know for sure is I may be "young" and wild and reckless, I don't know what love is but if this is it, than damn me. Because I know it's one sided. Hell I don't even know if you're single, and if you're not I'm so sorry. You probably won't even read this, because hell why should you? You hate me over something I wasn't even doing, and I tried telling you, but you wouldn't let me.
I could ask you for a chance to let me take you out on a date and to hang out with you and to prove to you who I really am, to let me have a chance to love you for who you are because I think you're perfect. Like but why should I because you'll probably just tell me no, and if I'm wrong tell me otherwise. Because after all, why would someone like you, date someone as broken and damaged as they come? Why would an angel date someone on the path to hell? Oh right, they wouldn't.
Since this will probably be the last time we speak, because I know I won't get that chance I've been dying to get with you, after you ignore me or reply and it's a no, I'm moving out of state, I'm done with Knoxville, and I'm done with Tennessee, the only good I've gotten from it is meeting you honestly but I fucked that up so yeah, why don't I go ahead and get the rest of it out too, so here goes.
To the girl that you choose and who chooses you back, I hope that she's the prettiest woman out there, I hope she sees you for who you truly are, and I hope she overlooks all your flaws, and adores each and every one of them. I hope she's in love with Jesus just as much as you are, if she's not, then I hope she comes to see how much you love Jesus like i did, and she starts her journey towards strong faith. I hope that she sees you through my eyes, as literally the most perfect person that walks this earth. I literally hope she loves you just as much even more than I do. And I hope her favorite thing about you are your eyes and your smile, and your personality, I hope that they light up her day like they used to light up mine. I hope when you walk into the room, she starts smiling, even if she's mad at you. I hope everyday she fangirls over you like she just met you. I hope she never stops having a crush on you. I hope you are able to take her breath away with one glimpse. I hope she puts up with all your shit, and never gets tired of it. I hope she learns how to cook your favorite foods, and how you like your coffee. I hope everyday that passes, that she falls more and more for you. I hope every morning before you go to work, that she kisses you and gives you a big hug, even when she's pissed off, because in today's society you never know when the last time you'll see someone is, and when you get home, I hope the first thing she does is greet you at the door, and is thankful to see you're home safe. I hope that she never lets you feel unhappy, and I certainly hope when you guys argue over something, I hope she doesn't allow you go to sleep upset. I hope that she never lets you feel unloved. I hope she hates seeing you upset just as much as I do, and I hope she makes you laugh all the time, and I hope that when you're sad, mad, etc, I hope that your moods affect her like they used to with me, and I hope she feels the want and need to "fix that" and I hope you let her. I hope she never fails to show you her love for you, I hope she treats you like the king that you are. I hope she wants you for you, and when times get tough financially or with life, I hope she stays, and I hope she fights for you two to be together. I hope she doesn't hold back on telling you her true feelings for you, like I did. I honestly hope she's the best thing that can happen to you and I hope she never breaks your heart. I hope she knows that you're not just another. I hope she sees that you're one of a kind. I hope you don't settle for anyone less than that, and I hope you know I'll forever wish to be that one true lucky girl. I hope that even if she never liked football, or the lake, or fishing, I hope she sees how much you love those things, and I hope she learns to love them through you. I hope she's passionate about the things you're passionate about. I hope that instead of fancy dinners, she'd rather go out and do something you enjoy, whether it be a fun roadtrip or fishing, or hiking or whatever. I hope she is able to detect how you're feeling by looking into your eyes, like I was.
If you struggle with insecurities, and I'm sure you do, because who doesn't. Whatever and whoever caused you those insecurities, I hope that you know they're wrong about you. You were crafted from oceans, and stars, and galaxies, and everything about you is literally perfect. Looking at you reflects Gods artwork, he hand crafted you to be perfect. And I hope that you know that. I've seen a lot of smiles in my lifetime, and I gotta say something about yours is my favorite, it's uniquely crafted, and even if you're insecure about it, don't be. Because the right person will fall for it, like I did. Not to mention your eyes, and the way the sunlight catches them, and how they sparkle when you're happy. I hope that you know your personality is honestly one of the best ones I've ever seen. Like please never change that, never change yourself for anyone, or to "fit in" stand out like you always have. Stand out like you did to me, not many people can catch my attention the way you did. Never let anyone make you feel like you're not worth it, because you're more than worth it. When life gets tough, and tries to knock you down, stand strong, because I know you can and I admire you for that. Go fishing, go hiking or take a long roadtrip to the middle of nowhere, travel until there's no cell service and reconnect with God and yourself. Don't depend on alcohol like a lot of people do, please don't because it's the worst habit to get into believe me.
Some people say that I seem to really love you, and maybe I do, but again I'm young, I'm not supposed to know what love is, right? You can say I've tried sorting out my feelings, thinking that eventually they would go away, but they honestly never did, I've had many "crushes" In my lifetime and lemme tell you they've all gone away within a month or less, I've waited 4 years and they've never went anywhere, instead they grew stronger.
I've tried to "hate you" but all that did was well nothing, but make my feelings for you stronger. I always thought maybe this is all some sign I need to wait that God would work it out, then I started waking up, seeing it's all some sick and twisted lesson from the depths of hell, to cause more pain and struggle than anything ive ever been through and I started straying in my faith because of it. Last time we spoke and I told you I had stopped going to church because of you being "uncomfortable" that was half truth. I love God, but we're not on the best of terms because of this. I never could grasp why God would let someone like me fall so damn hard for someone like you, to just make me be stuck in this unrequited love, for nothing, and get to the point that going out or talking to another guy would make me have to vomit. Not emphasizing that either. I've been through so much, why add this to it. I always stayed strong in faith from the time I was born, I was never told about God, I learned and loved him on my own. I stayed strong in faith through everything, but this is something I refuse to stay strong over because why?
I asked for signs that I wasn't wasting my time and I got them, but look at what that has gotten me? Nothing.
Maybe you will read this and reply, and if not, it's okay, maybe we will run into eachother at a party here at UT or a football game or something. Because I know this is going to wreck me and send me on a dark path, but it was that time. I'll come back around. I always do, then I'll get my head cleared before becoming that forensic homicide detective.
Will I ever "move on?" The answer to that is no, probably not. I don't believe in love unless it's who I want it to be. If I was able to move on, I would've already said bye bye to you and been done with that, I'll move on in other ways. I will marry my career, I will marry my writing and I will travel this world as much and for as long as I can. Dating someone else just doesn't feel right when your heart is somewhere else.
Until the next life, where I pray to God that we meet again, I hope that this life treats you well, and I hope that you get and do everything that you want. Travel as much as you can, spend time connecting with yourself on the lake and in the mountains. It does a soul a lot of good, trust me.
I hope that your days are full of nothing but happiness and joy, because you deserve it. If I could give you the world, I would lay it right there at your feet, but I can't and that's life.
You're actually one person that I never wanted to say goodbye to, but I am going to have too, I can't keep on having false hope, I wanted so bad for there to be a you and I, that I held on for so long, and now since that isn't going to happen, I'm going to have to say goodbye because I know I won't even be able to be friends with you, and I'm sorry. But I'll just be right there falling more. I never saw myself dating, or loving, or marrying anyone, or even starting a family with anyone, and then you came along and changed that.
I don't like/love you for your looks, I can go into the details that are there like how you take me places no one else can, how your smile brightens my day, and how your eyes remind me of oceans, and I see oceans in them, I won't lie though you are pretty hot, but I learned your flaws like your crooked smile, and loved it even more. It's not just your looks. It's you as a person.
But if you ever need a listening ear, or you ever need help, or anything at all, i will be there for you. Even if it's at 4am when your world has been flipped upside down and no one is awake. I will be, and I will answer. I promise ya, unless you will give me just one chance, just one to prove to you who I am. I will take the lead, I will pay for the dates. Like let me prove to you that not only are these words in a text, let me prove it in person. I'm no longer underage, and I attend the same college as you do. Give me just one chance. Please? I won't beg you, because you can't change how someone feels for you, and I learned that the hard way.
If you don't want too it's okay I guess. I guess I can understand. As Winnie the Pooh once said "goodbye, oh no can't we go back one page and start all over" I will never say that I regret meeting you, I used to say it all the time out of sheer anger, and I've said many more unkind things as well, but the truth is that meeting you was one of the greatest things to probably happen because I was born with a card of bad luck.
If nothing else, I hope you at least respect me for finally being upfront and honest and communicating with you, if not then it is what it is, and you've never been in a situation like this, where you have to be strong as hell. Especially since I accomplished sending this sober. Most people in society think its unexceptable that a female send something like this, because God forbid she actually communicate her feels. But fuck that, I like to defy the odds. I'm just a little tired of carrying it around and you not knowing. This is a grown up thing that I needed to get out of the way."
I didn't expect a great outcome, but I didn't expect, and don't appreciate being told that this is showing signs of being a stalker and in their behavior traits, I am honestly only adding this in the slim chance he might be reading this, and if you are I want you to know my damn side, I AM NOT reaching out to you, and you have nothing against me to get a restraining order, I haven't done anything to you, hell you wouldn't even have proof I ever wrote about you in articles if I didn't send them to you, so no don't even try that shit with me, you need to grow up, and you need to realize that this was me communicating with you, in no way shape or form was that showing behavior of a stalker. Communicating my feelings to you about you isn't stalking, I don't want to say bye to you, even after that, but I am, until you come back around you have your space. I can't change the way you feel, and I am not trying too, I am just stating I don't appreciate that, just like you wouldn't appreciate me calling you a stalker, and I have plenty of reason to do so, but I am not that type if person, I am above name calling, and falsely accusing someone of something, gather your facts first.
I just miss when we were on good terms, and I wish I could fix it, and I just wish I could re do it all over in a different way, where we would still be close like we used to be. I am sorry things turned out the way they did. I didn't want this either.
The worst part is, I can't even tell you I am sorry, but I am. You won't even let me.