If you have a fantasy fan and/or avid reader in your life, you've likely heard them gripe about how George R.R. Martin, whose books inspired the HBO mega-hit "Game of Thrones," will never ever release the final two books in his acclaimed fiction series. While I try to maintain some semblance of hope, here are 6 highly unlikely things that are still more likely to happen than GRRM releasing "The Winds of Winter."
1. Kanye West will write an album in space.
Kanye has been excitedly discussing his plans to head to space as soon as the option is available, so the only logical next step is that he will produce a full-length album somewhere in orbit. Maybe you're skeptical, but I heard we sent a dog up there once, so I mean, anything is possible if you want it bad enough. And god knows we want our first space album to come from Ye, not like Justin Bieber or some shit.
2. Melania Trump will run away to the Cayman Islands with Barron.
The first lady more often than not looks like she absolutely hates her husband (you know, the balding orange dude on your TV every day) but she clearly loves her son, Barron, in spite of his questionable genetic make-up. I wager Melania will escape the rule of our fearless dictator (because he's never leaving the White House) sometime in the late 2020s and make a new home on an island where she can sell mangoes or some other tropical fruit and live the simple life she's always longed for. Barron will likely pout and say "SAD" the whole time.
3. The Beatles will get back together, even the dead ones.
Let's be real, it is very possible that John Lennon was cryogenically frozen just like Walt Disney, so I'll put good money on his re-animation coming before the next "Game of Thrones" book. Young people are always saying that the Beatles are "overrated" or whatever, sorry you can't freak in the club to "I Want to Hold Your Hand" I guess? Maybe the band can come back and put those kids in their places, plus we know Paul loves a money-grab.
4. "Madden" will skip a year.
Every year, the same game comes out for $59.99 and every year the same gaggle of beefed-up dudes who aren't really gamers but have spent over $1,000 on virtual currency and ignore their girlfriends just like a regular gamer does will buy it. With all the heat in the NFL for players who care about humanity and other lame stuff that white dudes don't care about, I predict an upcoming Madden title will include "take a knee during the anthem" as a playable feature, will subsequently be protested by the NRA and in turn EA will skip the release of "Madden 2025."
5. Guys who vape will stop having beards.
Is it a coincidence that the first image result when I googled "vaping dude" was a guy with a beard? I think not. However, I think in a show of force and angst against the cigarette smokers they used to be and the JUUL pods tokers around the world, the bearded army of vape rig douches will shave their beards and declare war against the vape shops that stopped carrying "Vanilla Hot Fudge Sundae" because JUUL just released the nostalgia driven "90s cereal flavor" line.
6. We'll all go back to MySpace.
Yeah okay, so Instagram is cool and all, but can you add a song to your profile? Display your top 8 favorite people (this week)? Customize your entire page with HTML code you stayed up until 6 AM perfecting? No, it really can't. Who cares about a clean and easy to use front end when you can return to the dumpster fire that was MySpace? I heard Justin Timberlake bought it, so don't say I didn't tell you so.
Obviously, this article was largely satirical, but if any of this comes to pass before George R.R. Martin releases the final two books in his series, don't forget who called it.