Before 9/11, my name was Layla.
I had friends who knew me just as that. My race was never a topic of discussion, questions about my religion never had a aggressive undertone to it. I just knew I was one of five Arab, Muslim students in my elementary school. I was different, but never an outcast.
September 11th, 2001 came along and though I don’t remember the exact aftermath of it, I look back and see the transition of “Layla” in first grade, to a couple years later in 6th grade as “Sand N*****”. In fourth grade at a playdate, I remember a girl asking me if I had any relation to Osama Bin Laden. “Is he one of you? My dad said he’s a bad guy..” I had no idea how to directly answer that. At the time, I tired the best to immediately distance myself from 'the bad guy' and said “No no! He’s not one of me at all.” She nodded and accepted that I wasn’t, but the world didn’t.
Every year the 9/11 school memorials got worse and worse. When I was called a sand n***** and a terrorist, it was in the 6th grade open discussion of 9/11. The class expressed their thoughts and I of course stayed silent, waiting for the “Are you one of them?” questions. There was only one other Arab in the class and we both slid so far down in our seats, hoping the desk can be a shield for any ignorant questions. It didn’t take long for one classmate to refer to us as “Those two are one of them sand n***** who tried to kill us! F****** terrorists!”. The Arab boy looked at me and muttered under his breath to ignore them. But I didn’t. I instead rose my hand and told on them. What the Mental Health teacher responded with was something that will hurt me for a lifetime. She told me “This memorial isn’t about you! Stop making it about you, deal with it”
As an Arab Muslim in New York how is 9/11 not about me?
When I’m in the airport with my family and we receive extra pat downs and extra bag searches, is it not about us? When we have extra security escorting us to the airplane, is it not about us? They claim it’s not. They claim its protocol, but why is the protocol only used to people who look like me?
In 10th grade, when Osama Bin Laden was killed and some boy asked me “Are you sad your leader got killed?” Was that not about me? Was that not directed at me, because of who I am? Because I didn’t see him ask that question to his group of white friends beside him. Did the years of angry assumptions, did the years of terrorist jokes, did the years of sand n***** labels, did the years of Osama Bin Laden jokes, have nothing to do with 9/11?
Because before then, I was called nothing but my name.
What about that time at the airport when I walked through the metal detector and had my bag sent quickly through the scan machine without a problem; But had to watch my mother get a extra long pat down and had each one of her bags manually searched. When my mother told the lady that my bag was also hers, my perfectly fine bag before now had to be searched manually by hand. Did that have nothing to do with the fact my mother wears a hijab and I don’t? Because my bag went through the scan without a problem before.
If 9/11 isn’t about me, then why does every student in the classroom look at me when we discuss it?
From the age of 6 on, I grew up having to defend myself. I grew up having “I'm not one them” at the tip of my tongue whenever I was asked what I was. I grew up having to condemn every act of violence I never committed. I grew up having my throat tighten whenever terrorists were discussed. I grew up watching eyes land on me at all 9/11 memorials at school. I grew up ashamed,I grew up angry, I grew up afraid to watch the news. I grew up hating everything I was. From age 6 to 19 I grew up with an identity crisis. I hated being arab, I hated being muslim. I grew up lying, saying I was anything but that. 9/11 was a day my identity got taken away.
Most people think of 9/11 once a year when the anniversary comes along and say “Never Forget.” I don’t need a reminder to “never forget” because from the ages of 6 to 19, this is all I've known.
I get a constant reminder when terrorist jokes are made.
I get a constant reminder when my religion is broadcasted on the news as violent.
I get a constant reminder when gun stores are “Muslim Free" zones.
I get a constant reminder when I look at the hate crime statistics towards Muslims and Sikh men.
I get a constant reminder when politicians want to ban us.
I get a constant reminder when I watch movies and televisions shows and see us portrayed as nothing but gun holding, bomb throwing terrorists.
I get a constant reminder when I see people walk out of theaters watching "American Sniper" and saying “We should kill all of those rag heads.”
I get a constant reminder when #KillAllMuslims trends on twitter.
I get a constant reminder when I am asked to say “sorry” for simply following a faith 365 days a year.
