I Was Raised Catholic But I'm Uncertain About My Faith
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I'm A 21-Year-Old Catholic, But I'm Still Not Sure If God Really Exists

Was I forced into this faith, or do I truly believe in it?

I'm A 21-Year-Old Catholic, But I'm Still Not Sure If God Really Exists
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I have been wearing my rosary ring for a few years now.

Yes, I am Catholic. I was born into a Catholic household (on my mom's side) and religion has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I went to mass and Sunday school every week, served as an altar girl, and attended a Catholic high school.

Despite the long history I had with my religion and my mom's intense desire for me to be a devout Christian, I actually grew to be increasingly skeptical about the religion.

The biggest reason for my hesitation is probably because I feel like I was forced into it my whole life. It's like the more your mom told you to do your homework when you were little, the less you wanted to do it.

Naturally, I mostly wore the rosary ring for the purposes of accessorizing much more than for its spiritual value and my faith in the religion. However, my rosary ring and my sentiment towards my religion have had some change this new year.

I attended my first funeral mass on January 4, 2020. It was for someone my brother and I knew since we were little.

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same middle school, went to the same church, and my brother went to the same high school with him as well. He passed away just a few hours after the whole country excitedly counted down for new years, where everyone celebrated a fresh start and a whole new decade with loved ones.

I didn't have much thought going into the funeral mass. I didn't expect it to be much different than a regular mass, which it wasn't, but it definitely impacted me in a way mass usually did not.

Even though I am not the most pious Christian, I do believe the mass that day touched many souls, including mine, and provided an unexplainable comfort of some sort.

It was a sacred space flooded with those that loved him so dearly. I could sense that everyone was coming together in the presence of God solely for him and his family.

At the time, however short it may have been, my rosary ring brought solace and weighed heavier with meaning than it ever has on my finger.

Although I still lack clarity in what and how much I truly want to commit to my religion, this year I realized, if anything, that I do strongly believe in the vast spiritual power religion can hold and its capability to provide, at a minimum, some strength to overcome the most excruciating, most brutal, and seemingly impossible adversities in our lives.

I do not know what will come of the relationship between my religion and me, however, one thing that is for sure is that my rosary ring will no longer be just a ring.

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