Becoming the "Fat Girl"
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Becoming the "Fat Girl"

Fat. That's my new title.

1186
Becoming the "Fat Girl"
Pexels

When I was younger, I was always skinny. And honestly, I never thought much of it. It was just the way my body looked. When you're a kid, those things don't matter.

I remember the first time I started to care about my weight. I went for a check up, and my doctor told me I was 120 pounds. I think I was in 5th or 6th grade at the time, probably about 5'5''. I remember looking at my mom and asking if this was a good number or not. At 10 or 11, that is not what I should have been worried about. But it was right then and there that I started to notice how much those numbers make a difference.

Fast forward a few years, now I'm in high school. Prior to this, I had been bullied a lot. Boys used to tell me I was ugly, gross, that I looked like a man, the list goes on. So my self esteem was very low at this point. High school, as I'm sure most girls noticed, is very different from middle school. Boys start to notice you, a LOT. Suddenly, I wasn't gross, I was cute. In their eyes at least. But I still didn't feel attractive, I didn't see what they saw. Freshman year I was still around this 120 mark, so I felt okay about my body, but not pretty. Sophomore year is when things started to take a turn.

I don't remember how it started exactly. I don't remember when that first thought crossed my mind. All I know is one day I must have woken up and decided I was no longer skinny, I was no longer in the body I wished to be in. So I started counting calories. I started restricting calories, a lot. I started going on Tumblr and reblogging pictures of bony girls with "perfect" thigh gaps because that is EXACTLY who I wanted to be. I thought if that were me, I'd be happy. I'd feel pretty. I'd be content with myself, finally. I stopped eating as much, I'd throw my lunches away or give them to someone else. I'd try to skip dinner as much as I could. I'd come home from school, and sometimes lose that self control and binge. And after those binges, I'd cry on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes, trying so hard to get myself to throw up what I just ate, but it never happened. I felt like a failure.

Eventually, I saw the results of the weight falling off. I started to see my hip/rib/collar bones sticking out a little more. I had bought a dress for a dance in September that was too tight, but by February it fit perfectly. I look at pictures from that dance now, and all I see are my stick-like arms and wonder if it actually felt good to be in that body, or if I just liked the way I looked. I wanted more.

Eventually, I coped. I came back to eating, I was hungry all the time. This came in waves, and over the years it's progressed to eating normally. I don't restrict anymore, I don't try to purge anymore. I've learned to outgrow those things.

Then, I got to college. And as everyone says, that freshman 15 will take a toll on you. Except for me, it was a freshman 30. I gained weight, and I looked healthy still, but I didn't like it. Over the next four years, I had tried diets, and working out, but nothing happened. I just kept gaining weight, I blew up like a balloon.

Now, I'm a senior in college. This is the heaviest I've ever weighed in my life. I have stretch marks up and down every inch of my body. I refuse to take pictures of myself anymore. I hate to look in the mirror anymore. Don't ask me what the number on my pants tag is, don't ask me what size I have to buy my shirts in now. No amount of contouring can change the fact that there's fat hanging off my chin and cheeks. I look and feel disgusting. I hate it.

It almost feels like an addiction. I eat candy and fast food all the time, more than any person should. I want it because it tastes good, the healthy food does nothing for me. I tried joining a gym, and haven't gone in over a month. Nothing seems to be working.

Fat. That's my new title. I'm the "fat girl", wherever I go. I constantly compare myself to those around me. Don't think I don't notice how much bigger my legs are than yours. There was a time when someone told me "your waist is as big as one of my thighs". I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss those comments. Now I get comments like "Man, you eat a lot." or "You're a size what now? Doesn't that bother you?" Of course it does.

As I keep trying, as I'm finding ways of losing weight that work for me, one thing is for sure. I NEVER want to be labeled "the fat girl" again.


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

53569
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

34456
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

956954
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

181671
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments