Communication, the foundation that has to be built in every relationship, before the walls are started. It is probably one of the hardest skills to learn, and something my boyfriend and I have been really working on lately. It's a constantly changing, yet a pain in the ass thing that matters forever. In every relationship.
The dynamics in my life have drastically changed again. My boyfriend of four years and father of my child are now living with each other full time. Going from being a couple, to parents, to a family is a bigger change than it seems, and there is some shifting that goes on, besides boxes and closet space. As a relationship grows, as I have not only heard but now come to experience, there are growing pains. No less love, but in my case, learning to get in sync with each other was the issue.
Brenden and I are very sensitive human beings, and people with a past. Moving forward in our relationship, we have taken the time to put forth the extra effort for our relationship. I wrote down my thoughts, and we both took a trip to see my therapist. What it came down too, was literally how we loved each other. That there was a language that went along with it, that I had never even thought about. This Love Language has 5 dialects, Words of Affirmation,telling your significant other that you love them, you love what they are wearing today, or telling them you love something that they do for you. It could be something as simple as complimenting them or thanking them for picking them up from work one day, on time. Quality Time, which is a bumpy road, because there are two types of quality time that seem to differ between men and women. The Quality time, like watching TV together, or sitting in the same room. The other type of quality time, is what I like to call is "In your face" quality time, or face time. No screens, no distractions. Receiving Gifts, which can be interpreted in many ways, which to be honest when i heard about this one I thought, "Do I need to be wanting to be spoiled?" but it could be anything, with a price tag or not. Acts of Service, which I have learned is a dialect of this language I'm fluent is, that I respond well to help. Helping me do the dishes, or vacuum or get something done, happens to be what means a lot to me. Finally, Physical Touch, kisses and hugs and all the PDA you can imagine. Anything physical from holding hands to sex. These dialects are something Brenden and I will be working on, and figuring out, what it is we actually need from each other, besides what we are offering each other now.
I took the time to think about what other relationships with distances do in this. One of my best friends has a boyfriend who lives on the opposite side of the country. I admire their devotion to each other because they have strength in this "language" and particular aspects of the dialects. Their Quality time together is spent on video chat, or communicating really whenever they can, time difference considered. The gifts, are always so thought out, and extra sweet. She has a jar right now that contains many pieces of paper, that have love notes on them, and she opens one every day. They only get to see each other so much, but the time they do spend together they make every second count. They are the perfect example that not every couple needs to speak every dialect of the love language. Being fluent in a few makes the relationship full and meaningful. Every couple is different, on what works, and what each partner may need.
These dialects, are what makes the foundation stronger than ever. They are a skill that will either be learned, and help create a strong and long relationship, or it's not learned, and an issue that will be worked on, for how ever the relationship lasts. We are taking the time to explore and see what it is we need from each other because we both want to be there for each other in every way we can, and need each other to be. Its a journey that I personally am excited about, and something that other couples should invest time in looking into as well. Its a journey, but worth all the while.
