My mom always told me that "having children is realizing your heart is walking outside of your body,"- a reminder of why the love our mothers have for us can be so comforting yet so fierce. Many can relate to having moms with high expectations; falling short inevitably created conflict. Since middle school and perhaps throughout our teen years, there was a constant struggle to be the person you want to be, versus the person your mom wants you to be. I personally grew very distant from my mom during my senior year of high school.
As a mom who was 14 years old when she had me, she lost a huge part of her childhood and had to focus on a baby instead of her own fulfillment. I believe that played a role in her expectations of me. Since I didn't have such a big responsibility, she felt that I should be doing more with my life than she ever could. I, on the other hand, felt that she was always selfish for going to college in a different city and only visiting once a month. I felt she should have been playing more "motherly" roles by making her family the center of her life. The roles we set for each other were not being fulfilled, which is why our relationship was so fragile.
The summer before entering my freshman year of college, we had a terrible argument that scarred both of us. I left to stay with my grandparents and believed our relationship could never be healed. But college changed everything.
Within five months, I was not in a good place. I was not doing well academically, felt lonely and lost because I didn't have close friends, gained unhealthy weight, hated the rural area of Champaign and missed Chicago, and was heartbroken and insecure. I missed class often. One day I couldn't cope alone anymore. I decided to call my mom hoping to hear, "Aww sweetie! It's okay, I love you so much! You'll be fine!" and further coddling support – but not my mom. She did that for about one second and then very sternly she said, "Deztinee, you are stronger than that. You have to believe that. You come from strong women that live within you. You cannot let yourself sink into this hole of self-hate and doubt. You cried it out, talked it out, and now it's time to pull yourself out of it. It's up to you." Some would say that it was "dry love," but it was still love. Ever since that day, my life changed forever and so did my love for her.
As she said, I am stronger than what I felt was weighing me down. Each day, I got up and did my best to do things that made me feel accomplished, strong, and loved. I went to the gym, forced myself to get involved, opened myself to new friends, and started building a relationship with myself. Initially, I felt that all the changes I went through were because of me and my will power, but really, it was my mom.
It took me 19 years to finally appreciate her and all that she has done for me. Now, I look back and recognize ALL the times that she made me who I am: She taught me the Mexican values that make me Mexicana. She taught me to empathize with people that bullied me when I was in middle school because you never know what people are dealing with at home. She taught me to walk in the middle of the sidewalk with my head high, even if I was being objectified by men because I could not allow myself to be powerless. She taught me how a womxn can be strong and tough-skinned but still loving and warm. She taught me how to love the men in my life and combat patriarchy simultaneously. She taught me how to overcome heartbreak when I thought I never could. She taught me how to hold things down when life is tough. These experiences may or may not relate to yours; however, I hope that you recognize the impact of the mom or motherly figure that raised you because while they may not have been perfect, they were everything we needed.
I love you, momma. Thank you, for everything.
