Bisexual. There, I finally said it.
Well, let me back up a little bit actually. For those of you that don't know, I recently came out as bisexual on October 11, which just so happened to be National Coming Out Day. But let me take it back even further.
Growing up, I never really knew that I was "different." For me, discovering and coming to terms with my sexuality wasn't something that I've always known. It wasn't one of those cases where I've known since I was like 5. The thought that I might be different really didn't pop into my head until around 8th or 9th grade. I randomly thought to myself "What if I'm gay?" Naturally, that thought freaked me out so I ignored it and tried to repress it. But as anybody who has gone through this will tell you, you can't repress it. No matter how hard you try, that thought will always be there. So fast forward to my sophomore year, I had finally come to terms with myself on it. Obviously, the initial "why me" reaction came but I soon got over it, or so I thought. One night, I stayed up with my friends until like two in the morning and I told them. Obviously, I started to cry cause this was the first time that I had ever vocalized this to somebody besides myself. But the overwhelming support I received from my friends was amazing.
And from there, I would tell people when I was ready. The more people I told and the more time went one, the easier it became and the more comfortable I became with it. As I would tell more people, I began to believe that nobody really cared. Being told that nobody cares is something that everyone hears a lot, but it doesn't matter until you finally believe it yourself.
So on October 11th, I was eating lunch with my friends when my friend Isabelle came over. She immediately started smiling and said, "You know what day it is." At this point, I had no idea what she was talking about so I said "Tuesday? October 11th?" Completely lost, the lost and waved me over. As I walked over she pulled up a tab on her phone and it said, "National Coming Out Day, October 11th, 2016." My heart sank. Immediately, I felt nauseous. There had been a couple of times before this when I contemplated coming out but the thought scared me to death so I never acted on it. I never intended to come out on National Coming Out Day either. She told me that she knew I would be so much happier once I finally did it, but she wasn't gonna pressure me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. My initial thought was that there was absolutely no way I was going to do this today. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe I should.
Fast forward to the end of the school day. I tell my friends what's going on and they all support me saying I should just do it, but they will support me no matter what. For the past year, on times when I've told my friends that I wanted to come out, everyone's response is always "Do it when your ready." And although this logically made sense, the idea that I would ever be ready was never something I thought would happen. I would think about it and think to myself "How the hell am I ever gonna be able to do this? I'm never gonna be ready and find my moment to do it."
When I got home, I told myself I was going to just do it. I sat there for an hour and the key moment that set me over the edge to finally do it was when I asked myself the same question I've asked myself a million times before: "Am I ready for all the change that's going to come from this?" And when I finally said yes, that's how I knew I was ready. That's how I knew that it was my moment. So I found a photo, came up with a caption and took to Instagram. I literally held down the "share" button for a solid 3 minutes, counting myself down from 10 each time. I told myself that once I lifted my thumb, everything was going to change, but for the better in so many ways. And then I did it. I lifted my thumb and it's the most cliche saying in the world and nobody will ever understand until they go through it but a weight was literally lifted off my shoulders. My chest went empty and I honestly felt as though I could finally breathe for the first time in 17 years. I was anxious, happy, nervous but mostly liberated. The overwhelming support that I received from all of my friends was more than I ever could have imagined or asked for, and I am also extremely grateful for all of my family members that reached out to me. And that was it. Just like that, I was free, and I could finally start living my life as my true self.
My message to anybody going through this is this: Find your moment. Come out when you are ready, not because you feel pressured by everyone else to come out. And you don't have to publicly come out either. It's nobody's business besides your own, and you are the only person who has the right to decide who deserves to know and who doesn't. It doesn't seem like it now, but your moment will come. You're going to be okay, and you're going to be so much happier.
