My initial inspiration for this article comes from the show "Big Mouth," which I’ve been watching lately on Netflix. At first, I thought the sexual humor was too much for me, so I didn’t even want to finish the first episode. But I kept watching and found that this show is actually very relatable.
My theory of the sexuality monster is based on the hormone monster that appears in the show. Obviously, sexuality isn’t really a “monster” as it’s healthy and natural, but questioning your sexuality can make you feel alone. In "Big Mouth," Andrew is confused when he feels attracted to men. The hormone monster, Maurice, makes Andrew feel threatened. This is because sexuality is so, so fluid.
When I was six, I first learned what the terms “gay” and “lesbian” meant. I could imagine myself living and growing old with either a man or a woman in the future. I didn’t see how it’d be wrong to live with and love a woman, as long as we were happy.
It’s not until puberty that the sexuality monster really kicks in. I remember being in middle school and being aware that there was a girl in the general vicinity that I could see myself holding hands with. I remember being in high school and looking at some girls the way guys looked at them. The sexuality monster would then appear, reminding me that this behavior made me seem like an outcast.
I’m now in college, and I can’t say that the “phase” that people told me would go away, went away. The sexuality monster is still present. Maybe even more so than before, as I’m getting to the age where it’s less “Who am I?” and more “This is who I am.” Therefore, if I’m still dealing with the sexuality monster, it’s probably sticking around for good.
Labels are another element of the sexuality monster. I've tried committing to labels in the past... but they've never stuck! One minute I think I'm completely straight and then my mind will do a complete 360 turn. Of course, you can use labels if you want, but if you don't want to, then what's the point? Sometimes I wonder why this is all so confusing for me when it seems so simple for others.
The key to battling the sexuality monster is to realize that you can't let it make you feel small.
Yes, sometimes there will be this inexplicable barrier between you and other people who just don't get it. They'll think that your inability to commit to a gender makes you attention-seeking or flighty.
You can squash the monster by being authentic to what you feel. Your capacity to care and love is what makes you, you. You can love the opposite gender. You can love the same gender. You can even love both genders because you get to kiss girls and guys (hell yeah).
Take that, sexuality monster.
