This is a topic that gets more prevalent each year. More and more women are being mentally, verbally, and physically abused by their spouses, or significant others, each year. It’s a statistic that needs to change, and the only way to change it is for more women to report their abusers. Unfortunately, that’s not an easy thing for a battered woman to do. I know, I was part of those statistics.

What exactly is Battered Woman Syndrome (BWS)? The American Heritage® Medical Dictionary describes it as “a set of signs and symptoms, such as fearfulness and a feeling of helplessness, seen in some women who are physically, verbally, or emotionally abused over an extended period by a husband or partner.”

That is a very simplistic description; what it doesn’t say is that the fearfulness stays with you every second of every day that you are with your partner. It doesn’t describe the feeling of helplessness you feel because you don’t know when, or how severe, the next beating is going to be. The description, in no way, describes the way it feels to be told how worthless and useless you are when you forget to turn the coffee pot on, or when dinner was done at an exact time.

What exactly is Battered Woman Syndrome? To the women that have lived through it, it is living each second of your life, with someone you thought loved you, in fear of being beaten because he came home in a bad mood. It is being afraid to say anything that may be taken out of context, his context, and being told you are stupid. It is letting your husband hit you so that he doesn’t hit your child.

Many women who live in an abusive relationship, don’t tell anyone. They are ashamed to because they may feel that, in some way, it is their fault. It is ingrained into them, with each punch, with each verbal put down, that the reason they are being treated this way is because of what they have, or have not done.

Domestic violence tends to follow a specific pattern over time called the "cycle of violence."

The cycle of violence has three stages:

The first stage is known as the tension building stage. During this phase, the abusers often verbally harass their partners. They are afraid that their partners will leave them and they become more possessive, jealous, and aggressive. They may accuse their partner of infidelity when there is no indication or reasons for the accusation. Also during this phase, the woman may do anything to try and keep the peace. They are very nurturing and go along with whatever their abuser wants. Some victims may try and ‘set the abusers off’ by starting an argument in order to get the abuse over with. The abused often make excuses for their abusers’ behavior during the tension-building phase because they don’t want to believe that the abuse is really happening.

The second phase is known as the acute battering phase. During this time, abusers are extremely unpredictable and can often seem to be out of control. The abusers blame their partners for the abuse and may fail to confine their abusive behavior to the home. They may be irritable the majority of the time because they know what they are doing is wrong but continue with the abuse. Abuse may not necessarily be physical. It can involve verbal, and emotional, humiliation and intimidation, as well. Partners are left to passively accept the abuse and often minimize the abuse to themselves or others who may question them.

The last phase is often referred to as the honeymoon period because abusers are calm, loving and they apologize for their actions, promising their partners that "it will never happen again." The abused will often feel guilty about wanting to leave the abuser. They often hope that the abuser will change and things will get better.
Over time, the tension-building and the honeymoon stages get shorter and the battering stage increases. This pattern results in battering incidents that become increasingly longer and more severe. This cycle works to keep women in abusive relationships by controlling them. The abused partner hopes that their abusers do not mean to harm them and they will change. Secrecy, fear, lack of opportunity, and low self-esteem all combine to make leaving an abusive partner extremely difficult. Leaving may also be difficult because most abusers often escalate violence in order to keep their partners in the relationship. If abusers detect that their partners may leave, their partners' risk of injury or death increases.

Many people ask “why doesn’t she just leave?”

There are many emotional, social, spiritual and financial hurdles to overcome before someone being abused can just leave. Very often the constant undermining of the victim’s self-worth, and self-esteem, can leave her with very little confidence, socially isolated, and without the normal decision-making abilities. Leaving, or trying to leave, will also often increase the violence or abuse, and can put both the victim and her children in a position of fearing for their lives. Leaving is the ultimate threat to the abuser’s power and control, and he will often do anything rather than let her go.

The reason why women stay in an abusive relationship may not be understood by the woman or onlookers. Relationships don't always start out in violence, it progresses to violence. Once a woman realizes her relationship is an unhealthy one she may not be able to leave for a number of reasons.

Below is a list of factors that may force a to woman stay in an abusive relationship. There could be only one factor, or a combination of factors, that may keep a woman from leaving.

• Threats of harm to the victim, loved ones, or pets

• Threats of suicide

• Believing the abuser will take their children

• Religious reasons

• Believing the abuser will change

• Self-blame

• Limited financial options

• Believing that violence is normal

• Believing in the sanctity of marriage and the family

• Limited housing options

• Blaming the abuse on alcohol, financial pressures, or other outside factors

• Low self-esteem and self-worth

• Fear of the unknown, of change

• Isolation

• Embarrassment and shame

• Believing no one can help, or cares

• Denial

• Pressure from friends and family to stay

• She still loves him