Can I be really honest with you right now, my dear reader? I want to share something with you. Something that I have been keeping suppressed deep within me for so long. A secret that I have never told anyone before. In fact, I’ve covered up my true feelings with a thick layer of sarcasm and irony to dissuade those from second guessing my true motives, my true thoughts. But, I can’t hide it anymore. I can’t continue to live this awful double life as I lie awake at night thinking, “What kind of a monster have I become?” I must come clean if I ever want to live an honest decent life. So, here it goes.

I think that "Superman v Batman: Man of Justice" is the greatest work of cinema of all time. There we go, I said it. I finally came clean. That was a hard one, and this deep secret I have held for so long is true. Don’t second guess my declaration as a joke or a stupid bit of humor. This is the real me; this is who I am. This is Hale Douthit, a massive Batman v Superman fan.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How is this possible? How could one even rationally begin to appreciate "Superman v Batman: The Dark Justice Begins" on a base level let alone an artistic one? Good question – let me try to dissuade your hatred.

First off, the action scenes were stellar. The graphics had this great PlayStation 2 vibe about them that really played to the nostalgic crowd. I mean, who doesn’t love the PlayStation 2? Metal Gear Solid, am I right? Also, the almost impermeable dark blackness that overwhelmed the entire film’s color palette. It’s like they shot the entire movie at night, which only further demonstrates how talented Zach Snyder and his crew are at filming. This artistic choice helped to signify that this movie is really serious, you guys. Not like those lighthearted Marvel affairs with every character having a snarky quip, and having different locations and scenes at different times of the day to increase shot variety. No, this is a real comic book movie, and you better treat it like one. I also really loved the complete lack of emotional investment in the over the top action sequences that felt more like video game bosses than actual film scenes. It really helped me focus more on the almost overwhelming amount of destruction and violence that was perpetrated every few seconds by nearly everyone.

As a side note, the adaptation of the highly powerful and complex comic book character, Doomsday, as a weird space mutation creature that can’t talk at the very end of the film, was a brilliant choice. It deprived the finale of any clear emotional interest or real resolution, saving my precious (and few) brain cells from having to really think about what was going on.

Second off, I think that Amy Adams had an amazing performance as a completely useless, hot woman character that added nothing to the story. I mean, some people spend their whole careers trying to replicate the same level of complete uselessness and never pull it off as well as she did (I’m looking at you, Scarlett Johansen). Adams’ mastery of being a damsel in distress in nearly every scene, really helped add to the drama and tension and totally didn’t take away from her character at all. Not to mention how well she was sexually objectified for no reason whatsoever to spoon feed the audience exposition, was a brilliant directing choice on the part of Zach Snyder. Way to go, bud.

Thirdly, the story was just riveting. It had the same feeling of complete nonsense and absurdity that was such an important part of the comics books. I also liked how the entire first half of the film lacked any coherent logic to it, and how it deprived the audience of any involvement in the story by telling rather than showing, which is probably the best way to tell as story, obviously.

Also, can I just say that casting Henry Cavill as Superman was a wonderful decision. His complete lack of genuine reaction really sold the man of steel as a likable and complex character. The way he totally didn’t express the dialectic between power and responsibility, really made the film more enjoyable by removing all the pesky theme and message stuff that makes movies so hard to enjoy nowadays.
I’d also like to give kudos to Ben Affleck for taking Batman in a completely different direction than his predecessors: i.e. killing people. Having Batman kill people so violently and obviously really sold home that this is a dude you don’t want to mess with. Not to mention, the choice to make Batman a brooding, angsty teenager in the body of a handsome billionaire with near-limitless power, made him a highly complex and relatable character.

Along the lines of other brilliant characters, Wonder Woman was an incredibly important and powerful character in the story. Sure, she didn’t show up until the last 20 minutes, but that’s because she would have made the story too complex for my small, simple mind to understand. Not to mention, as a typical comic book fan and movie goer, having a major female lead would have confused my man lobes, making me a violently sociopath that would have destroyed the theater and everyone in it. So, thanks, Zach Snyder, for keeping my murder-rage in check.

Finally, I can say that "Batman v Superman: The Justice Awakens" advances the art of cinema forward by bringing it back. Way back. Like back to the 1950s. With its hammy, overwrought script; terribly developed characters; sex politics that only a fourth grade boy would understand; and action scenes that wouldn’t even look good on a Game boy; I can definitely say Zach Snyder and Warner Brothers’ really hit home with this one. All I can say is this: Justice league is going to blow my fucking mind.